Saturday, May 21, 2022
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The magic of the Pfizer Cup

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TCW Defending Freedom’s sports reporter, ‘Our Man in Row Z with the Holland’s pie and hip flask’ Hughie Glanville, brings you the results of the weekend’s Pfizer FA Cup matches.

Behavioural Insights Team 6 Office of the Prime Minister 2

The first half was dominated by the away team who coasted into a two-nil lead at half time. However, towards the end of the half the BIT’s coach began ostentatiously to pass crates of beer and large cakes to the OPM bench. By the end of half time several members of the OPM team seemed to be swaying as they took the field, and their goalkeeper had to replaced when he took a position near the corner flag. Six goals for the home team swiftly followed.

Met Office 0 Extinction Rebellion 0 (Match abandoned)

In this dour struggle neither team presented much of a threat in the opposition’s penalty area and it was something of a relief when the game was abandoned at half time. Apparently, despite some brief snow flurries in the first 45 minutes, the Met Office captain sensed the imminent arrival of an extreme event (Heatwave Greta) and believed it too dangerous to continue. The Extinction Rebellion captain concurred with this analysis and he sent his players to blockade a road.

NHS 3 Taxpayers 0

As expected, this was an easy win for the NHS, who had easily the most expensive line-up in the competition. The away team had no answer to the scientific tactics which bamboozled the feeble opposition. There were some complaints from the Taxpayers’ manager that the five-minute dance routines which followed each NHS goal were excessive, but Mr Javid the referee did not seem to mind, and, indeed, the opposition clapped the players off the field at the final whistle, forfeited their match fee and donated their month’s wages to the victors.

Gates Foundation 0 Imperial College 0

In this tiresome scoreless draw neither team was able to mount a dangerous attack. Players of both teams seemed happy to pass the ball around in midfield and for the first time in the history of the game, there were no corners, fouls or bookings. Indeed such was the strangeness of the game that the FA are to hold an inquiry amidst rumours of collusion on behalf of a Wuhan-based betting syndicate. Despite not being an exciting spectacle, this result will have delighted the sponsors.

Church of England 0 BLM 7

After a scoreless first half BLM ran riot in the second 45 minutes. Unfortunately, following the game there were the predictable unsavoury scenes. Unhappy with the temperature of the showers, the BLM team burnt down the changing rooms whilst their supporters destroyed the stands and ransacked the club shop. The police were called but, when confronted by the mob, knelt before them in accordance with procedures and as instructed by their superiors. During the disturbance the C of E players provided light refreshments for the rioters.

Sage 12 Independent Sage 9

Although the match between these bitter rivals began harmoniously with both teams joining in with a stirring, rendition of the Red Flag, and a five-minute ‘taking of the knee’, this turned out to be the dirtiest match since the infamous FA Cup Final clash between Leeds United and Chelsea in 1970. 

Although there was plenty of goalmouth action, the game was constantly interrupted by fights on and off the field and a number of medical emergencies in the crowd. On one occasion a major brawl erupted when a player was alleged to have allowed his triple mask to slip below his nose. Another break in play was the result of a heated argument between Susan Michie and teammate Christina Pagel about the meaning of dialectic materialism. In this altercation, Michie was said to have ‘nutted’ Pagel, who was left with a bloody nose, but because it was not picked up by VAR she remained on the field.

Further interruptions occurred as both teams engaged in regular, impromptu ‘lockdowns’ and testing for Covid. The match lasted an unprecedented three hours and 14 minutes. The much anticipated ‘Battle of the Knights’ ended prematurely when Sage’s star striker Sir Chris Whitty (aka ‘the Ghost’) was shown a straight red card following a knee-high tackle on opposing centre-half Sir David King (aka ‘the Blob’).

Note: The result of this match has yet to be verified.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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