Tuesday, January 25, 2022
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The man with all the answers

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TCW Defending Freedom has received a message from a prominent young journalist who is interested in contributing to our site. To protect his privacy, we have redacted Tom’s surname.

Hello, my name is Tom _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

I am a youthful political commentator, television presenter and journalist. You may have seen me on Politics Tonight, Politics Roundup, Tom Talks Politics, Politics on Ice and CBeebies’ Mr Tumble goes to the Seaside. 

Although I would hesitate to elevate myself into the philosophical pantheon with the likes of Burke, Dizzy, or Scruton, I am proud to say that in 2020, Rutland Community Radio listed me as 877th in their list of the top 1,000 most influential conservative thinkers.

I am regarded by the intelligentsia as highly talented and an all-round outstanding individual. Not only that, it is said that I am naturally telegenic. However, I am far too modest to mention such things in public. All I can say is that when I appear on television, women, men and large dogs have been known to melt at the sight of me.

What qualifies me to report so authoritatively on contemporary politics, you may ask? The answer is that I received an expensive and privileged education and my father has connections in high places. This combination gives me a unique insight into what is really going on. 

For example, earlier this year, was I not the first person to identify the terrible plague that was rampaging through the nations of Europe and the United States?

What more is there for me to say about that calamity that I have not already said?

Did anyone listen to me when I plotted a route out of this mess? Did Boris Johnson ask me to take charge of the response? Did Bill Gates come knocking on my door to help with the vaccine roll out? Of course they didn’t!

Now look where we are. Nobody else has the faintest idea what is going on.

I, of course, know exactly what we should do, but why on earth should I bother to articulate what that is? All I can say is that I have already used up my quota of question marks in this outstanding message, so why oh why should I divulge my secrets to cretins who haven’t a brain cell between them to allow them to gain credit for the solution that is crystal clear to me?

There is no doubt, we are where we are. We have a choice. We must either lock down the country for the next two years and vaccinate every man, woman, child, animal and insect; or abandon all hope of a sensible solution to let the virus rip through the world and precipitate the deaths of billions.

To find out more about me, the secrets of my allure and my profound insights, why not join my 77 followers on Twitter, or catch me every two hours on GB News’s new flagship programme Vacuous Ramblings with Tom.

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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