Theresa May’s struggle to meet her deadline for selling Britain down the river is to be the subject of one of those modern, ‘narrative’ style documentaries.
You know the ones. They’re common on the BBC and Channel 4. Typically, they pretend that none of the events has been scripted and that the whole story is naturally unfolding in font of our eyes.
Here our excerpt witness presents some highlights from the new show, The Only Way is Brussex.
NARRATOR: Theresa has been set an impossible task. She’s been asked to derail Britain from its path to independence and park it back in Brussels. She has only 48 months to pull off the heist. And there are 17.4million people who have to be fooled by the ‘deal’ she wants us to believe she has negotiated.
We join Theresa as she goes to meet her European partners.
THERESA [APPROACHING FRONT DOOR OF BUILDING]: Wow, there’s so many of you. Hello, Mr Barnier. And you must be Mr Tusk? Sorry, Mr Timmermans. No, OK, you’re Mr Schulz. But you – you are Mr Tusk, aren’t you?
Sorry I got you all mixed up because – wow – you are all so diverse, aren’t you?
But where is Mr Juncker? Ha ha! Is he drunk already? Well, hopefully he can still join us for lunch. I’ve got Magna Cartas to mash, hard-won freedoms to trash and billions to spend on entry to your free market. There’s a lot of people back home I need to let down.
NARRATOR: Theresa is pleased that her lunch appeared to go well. But she’s had some bad news. Mr Barnier, Mr Tusk and Mr Juncker have been on TV, jingoistically trashing Britain at every opportunity.
THERESA [ON PHONE]: I thought we had an understanding. You’re not really helping me with this xenophobia. You are strengthening the case for Brexit.
NARRATOR: But it’s about to get worse for Theresa. Back home, the tactics of witch-hunting of non-believers and accusations of racism are having a diminishing effect. Nick Clegg has fled to America to join a new cult.
Meanwhile, Mr Rees-Mogg is driving a coach and horses through her arguments with facts and rational analysis. He seems to be all over the EU legislation like a polar bear on a bin bag.
To make matters worse, all the EU leaders invite her to a summit, only to belligerently snub her in a photo opportunity. They seem to be insulting the people she represents and undermining her credibility whenever they can.
It’s starting to look bad for Theresa May. She only has 48 hours to pretend she has got a deal.
But then, at the last minute, there’s some good news. Theresa receives a phone call.
THERESA [ON PHONE]: Jean-Claude! I’m so relieved! I thought you were making me look stupid because you hate me . . . Oh, I see!
CUT TO JUNCKER [SWIGGING FROM BRANDY BOTTLE]: Non, non, non, my lovely collaborator. There is a last-minute face-saving deal on the table. We had to make it look impossible first, though, otherwise it would look too obvious that we gave you nothing.
We love you (hic). Sheg ’ands. (Hic). It’s just Britain we hate. We’re rubber-stamping your surrender as we speak.
THERESA: Thank goodness for that!
PLAY THEME TUNE TO ‘THE ONLY WAY IS BRUSSEX’