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The New Patriot Party


SIR Keir Starmer has been told that Labour must make use of the ‘Union Flag, veterans and dressing smartly’ to help it win back voters. 

The proposed patriotic rebranding is aimed at regaining the ‘Red Wall’ seats lost to the Tories in the December 2019 general election and preventing other constituencies from turning blue.   

Now a leaked draft of the 2021 Labour Party conference agenda reveals that all three themes will be embraced and incorporated there in speech and song . . .   

1. An introductory anthem will be sung by the massed choir of the Starmer Singers.  

God save our gracious Keir!
Long live our noble Keir!
God save the Keir!

Oh, what a bore he is,
But he’s no Corbynist,
Long to feign over us,
God save the Keir.  

2. To show his empathy with veterans, Sir Keir will recite an amusing ditty.  

Who do you think you are kidding Mr Johnson   

If you think old Labour’s done?   

We are the various gender types who will stop your little game   

We are the various gender types who’ll make you think again.   

3. Leader’s keynote speech (extract).  

‘. . . to Bassetlaw, that royal throne of kings; to Heywood and Middleton, that sceptr’d constituency; to Blyth Valley, that earth of majesty; to Bolsover, that other Eden, demi-paradise; to that now unhappy breed of lost Red Wall voters, I beg you: Return to this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Labour.’   

4. The Starmer Singers will render a variation of Jerusalem penned by Sir Keir regarding dress code.   

And did that coat in ancient time   

Acquire its shade of sickly green?   

And was that crumpled anorak   

In Oxfam’s clearance shop first seen?   

Must members of the NEC
Have beards like hedgehog quills?
And was Jeremy at the Cenotaph
Clad in those dark Satanic twills?   

Bring me my tie in Savile Row sold:
Bring me my waistcoat from Esquire:
Bring me my Brut: O shirts unfold!
Bring me my old clothes on a pyre.    

I will not cease from sartorial fight,
Nor shall my trouser press sleep in my hand
Till we have built some sense of dress
In Labour’s unwashed, scruffy band.   

5. An updated version of the conference’s traditional farewell song, The Red Flag, will be sung.   

The Union Flag’s blue, white and red
And Keir’s wrapped it round his head
He’s turned into a patriot bold
To bring the Red Wall to the fold   

He’ll raise Old Albion’s banner high
Beneath its folds you’ll hear him cry
Denying all hypocrisy
‘I really love the monarchy’.   

6. Instead of retiring to the pub (if open) delegates will proceed to Buckingham Palace to offer loyal greetings to Her Majesty.   

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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