GOOD evening. I am pleased to tell you about some new measures to help us limit the spread of the deadly plague. Sorry, I mean virus.
Our scientists have informed us that more disease-ridden particles leave your mouth when you speak, so we suggest a 25-word limit on all conversations in shared households. This is enough for a family to enjoy meals with phrases like ‘pass the salt please’ while minimising the potential for them to slaughter one another as disease vectors.
The police now have powers to throw eggs, flour and milk all over the floor and to shove people’s faces into the mix during their routine household inspections. Our team of psychologists believe that extreme humiliation might reduce symptoms of Covid, as they are replaced by the effects of shame and embarrassment.
We have come to understand that birds may be spreading the plague as well, which is why we’ve taken the benevolent measure of giving them all lethal doses of poison. Police officers will shoot any survivors from the sky.
As part of our continuing efforts to ensure safety, we’ve begun our outdoor space protection plan. Grassy areas can attract groups who might contemplate despicable acts such as singing, hugging or enjoying each other’s company. Therefore we’ve torched all the grass and turned all outdoor areas where you might want to congregate into a wasteland.
We suggest wearing a detachable elephant trunk to help stop the spread of disease-ridden particles from nasal breathing. These will be optional, of course. You can either wear one voluntarily, or you can be forced to put one on by our armed police officers. They won’t hesitate to deploy handcuffs to ensure this procedure is carried out correctly and safely.
Going forward, we will be mandating a ‘no hands or utensils’ policy in restaurants. Our scientists (with the exception of those in re-education centres) have found that holding a knife, fork or spoon can spread disease-ridden particles on to table surfaces which, when later touched, can then spread like wildfire through patrons. So, remember – scoff like a pig in a trough – no cough.
Our WISE team, headed up by Noel Hedgecamp, believes that if people continue to use utensils in public places the disease could be 10yillion times worse than it currently is. When asked what metric a yillion is, Hedgecamp has informed me that it’s one that will emerge as a result of deadly extremist touching of knives and forks in restaurants.
It’s a tough adjustment for everyone. But we can all do our part. Yes, this ruling might make spreading margarine or butter nigh on impossible but what the science tells us is that this new way of eating will aid us in stopping the spread of Covid.
To elucidate his point, Noel has kindly prepared a completely objective graph artfully decorated with a skull and crossbones and DEATH printed in red. Thank you, Noel. Of course, we won’t be questioning this data as that would be playing into the hands of evil conspiracy theorists.
As you all know, our anti-viral campaign is in full effect. The best thing about these completely new drugs is that we have zero recorded long-term side-effects since development finished earlier this morning. Now I know some have been alarmed by what our scientists are deeming ‘barely worth mentioning and insanely unlikely side-effects’. But these are only minor nuisances like headaches, rashes and permanent blindness. Remember, you can do your part for the plague effort by keeping these quibbles to yourself so our hospital staff have no distractions from Covid patients.
So please, everyone, it’s important to remember that more than anything, I’m here for you – the general public. My team and I will not rest until the we’ve completed this project to reduce lives. Thank you!
Sorry, what I meant to say there of course is reduce lives lost.
Thank you, and good night!