Tuesday, May 11, 2021
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The Pub With No Keir

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AFTER Sir Keir Starmer was embarrassingly ejected from the Raven pub in Bath by a Labour-supporting landlord – who berated him for supporting the lockdown – beer gardens were ringing last night with a hastily-composed musical tribute …  

Oh it’s been lonesome and drab with the lockdown and all
But for outside drinking, we’ve now had the call  

And there’s nothing so joyful, so full of good cheer
Than to stand in the garden of a pub with no Keir.  

The publican’s adamant Starmer can’t come
He says, ‘For backing the Government, you’re just a bum,
Go now or I’m gonna throw you out on your ear
I’ll sell much more booze in a pub with no Keir.’ 

Boris Johnson turns up with his dry, dusty throat
If he lived in a castle, he’d drink the whole moat
Then for all comers he orders free beer
As he hears from the barman the pub’s got no Keir.  

A Labour canvasser stumbles in and he sighs
He throws down his pamphlets, then stricken he cries
‘I’ve trod all the doorsteps from Bristol to here
Now you go and tell me the pub’s got no Keir.’  

Sir Keir, Barred of Avon, as if struck by a knife
Has gone home inconsolable to his lady wife
He walks in the drawing room, she says, ‘You’re early, my dear’
Then he breaks down as he tells her the pub wants no Keir.  

The benches and tables with customers fill
And the money’s a-tinkling in the pub’s ancient till
Whether drinking best bitter or Tia Maria
They’re delighted to be in a pub with no Keir.  

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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