THE new national lockdown came after the Government followed a disastrous ‘roadmap’ plan compiled using a satnav, it has been revealed. Now a transcript of the instructions has been leaked …
Thank you for choosing CoroNav® to safeguard your political posterior during the pandemic. A route has been compiled which will avoid obstructions such as parliamentary scrutiny and a wrecked economy. Before you begin your journey, please take appropriate safety precautions, such as fastening your cheat belt and compiling a dossier blaming everything on the scientists. Remember, you can do a U-turn at any time. The route guidance will start now.
1. Go to the Garden Path and lead the public up it.
2. Proceed to the Blind Alley and send the public down it.
3. Don’t go off the Beaten Track – just do the same thing over and over again, even if it’s not working.
4. Hurry along the Information Superhighway and don’t worry if the track and trace app is useless.
5. Take the Long and Winding Road and keep kicking the can down it.
6. Turn off into the Boulevard of Broken Dreams (aka Whitehall).
7. Enter Dead End Street (aka Downing Street).
8. Travel overnight to Barnard Castle, withanoptional stop at SpecSavers.
9. Take the Road to Hell and pave it with good intentions (obtainable from Sunak Spendthrift Services at a cost of just £200billion).
10. Avoid the Warpath, because lots of furious, fed-up, jobless, confused Britons will be on it.
11. Also avoid the Road to Damascus, or you might have a miraculous revelation showing how wrong you’ve been about everything.
12. Continue along the Road to Ruin.
13. Look for a sign saying S*** Creek and park there.
You have reached your destination. The route guidance will now stop. So will the country.