Friday, September 17, 2021
HomeNewsThe selfless ones – letters from our marvellous MPs

The selfless ones – letters from our marvellous MPs

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THE past year has been a difficult time for Members of Parliament to stay in touch with their constituents. However some have managed it and The Conservative Woman has been given sight of letters sent from two members to their voters.

From Angela Bogononi-Khan (Labour, Gumston)

Comrades 

I write to you to reassure you that despite not attending the House of Commons in person for the past year, I have worked tirelessly on your behalf to further your interests and attack this heartless Tory Government.

I have fully supported our charismatic leader Sir Keir Starmer as he has consistently called for the imposition of ever tighter regulations and lockdowns. Now that we face the prospect of massive unemployment, a demoralised youth and economic meltdown, it is clear that the government is doing nothing to address the inevitable devastation. I have no doubt that Sir Keir will very soon unveil a range of blockbusting policies that will electrify the nation.

As well as asking three questions to ministers via Zoom, I have been active in many campaigns and initiatives of which I know you will approve.

The Gumston town centre statue of Alderman Herbert Toddlescuttle, the founder of the gum works, has long been problematic, representing as it does white supremacy, patriarchal representation and a one-dimensional view of gender identity. I fully support the ‘Topple Toddlescuttle’ campaign and look forward to your ideas as to what might replace it. Suggestions so far from party members include statues of Diane Abbott, an inflatable boat full of refugees and a Palestinian Freedom Fighter. (The third suggestion might be a little problematic for me, as I am under strict instructions not to keep offending Jews.)

It is clear that International Women’s Day no longer has relevance and I have played an active role in lobbying to replace it with an International Women of Colour Day. With the approval of sisters in BLM, I have designed rainbow-coloured dungarees to further the aims of the movement.

I am sure that the voters in Gumston are, like me, deeply concerned about the situation in Uttar Pradesh. The proposed reduction in the foreign aid budget will inevitably lead to a slower rollout of their rural broadband. How can we live with ourselves if those unfortunate people have difficulty in ordering their home deliveries of vindaloo? Nor, without our continuing support, how will the rapping Mudwomen of the Asaro tribe ever reach fulfilment as Grime artists?

On a brighter note you will be pleased to hear that to keep in touch with my constituents, my parliamentary allowances have enabled me to purchase new iPads (with Apple TV), iPhones, MacBooks, Apple Watches, AirPods and HomePods for myself and my staff. 

Join the Labour Party, and help us win back the ‘Red Wall’.

Yours in solidarity

Angela Bogononi-Khan MP

Hampstead 

London NW3

From Sir Charles Chatterton (Conservative, Greater Tittleham)

My dear friends

Because of my duties as Assistant Under Secretary to the Prime Minister, only recently ended, it has been some time since I have had the pleasure of writing to you.

I know the past year has been difficult. I myself have suffered the severe privations that the boffins have ordered us to reluctantly impose on the public. Only last week I had to postpone a parliamentary fact-finding visit to Antigua with my new secretary, and it has been tremendously difficult to access my club what with all those secret knocks and passwords. But this is not the place to dwell on my personal sacrifices.

You will be pleased to hear that my staff have kept me fully informed of the issues of import in our beautiful part of the world:

I have been told that the bad feeling over missing pieces at the Over Tittleham jigsaw exchange has been resolved amicably and without fisticuffs;

I was delighted to note that the restoration of the salmon-leap on the River Tittle has been approved;

I understand that the sink holes on the B7492 are scheduled to be filled in.

However, there is not such good news about our campaign against the 4,000-house development in Lower Tittleham. Despite my best endeavours, the planning decision has been referred to a sinister fellow by the name of Jenrick. I fear the worst.

Rest assured, dear friends, that when I get the hang of that Vroom whatchamacallit, I shall once again fully embrace my destiny to be your tribune, your Cicero, your Demosthenes, declaiming without fear or favour as I speak truth to Power on behalf of the honest and stout-hearted yeomen and women of Upper, Middle, Lower, Over and Nether Tittleham.

Your humble servant 

Sir Charles Chatterton MP CBE CH DCM

Tittleham Hall

Middle Tittleham 

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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