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The shape of Bank Holidays to come


IN THEIR project to create a more inclusive and diverse society, the Government have been reviewing the national institutions known as Bank Holidays. They have decided it is necessary to abandon some traditional holidays and replace them with those which  better reflect modern Britain.

Victoria Beckham Day

April 17 has been chosen to be a holiday in honour of our national treasure, Victoria Beckham. She has reached the age of 50 and still has the figure of a twig. Victoria has had a distinguished career having been a fashion designer, a footballer’s wife and a singer with a pop combo whose hits include the enduring classics Yeh, yeh, we’re the Spice GirlsSpice Girls Boogie, and Spicy, Spicy, Spice Girls. 

Eid al-Fitr

As the nation transitions from Christianity to Islam, it is only right that Eid al-Fitr, marking the end of Ramadan, should be included in the calendar of official holidays. The Government have deferred a decision on whether to mandate dawn-to-dusk fasting for non-Muslims but the incoming Labour Government are known to be sympathetic to the idea. The roll-out of facial recognition will enable the police to identify transgressors with crumbs around their mouths.

Transgender Day of Visibility

As the nation has forgotten why there are two bank holidays on either side of a weekend in the spring and few have a clue about the origins of Easter, the day formerly known as Easter Monday will be renamed Transgender Day of Visibility. The authorities feel that far too few people are sympathetic to transgender people and that we should be constantly reminded of the gruesome sacrifices these people make as they struggle to redress the injustices of cruel nature which has given them inappropriate appendages.

Earth Day

Although it falls close to Victoria Beckham Day, it is essential that on April 22 people are reminded once more of the impending end of civilisation to be precipitated by the Climate Emergency. To prepare for the future, on Earth Day all travel will be forbidden, there will be a 24-hour power cut and no meat or dairy products can be sold or consumed. 

Universal Credit Day

The Government believe that May Day, or International Workers Day, is redolent of white supremacy and privilege. Morris dancing, hobby horses and maypoles are clearly rituals and symbols of the ‘far right’. Furthermore, at a time when the Government have encouraged more than 9million people of working age to do nothing other than stay at home watching Netflix while eating delivery pizza, it is intolerable that they should be reminded that others are working on their behalf. The first Monday in May will therefore become Universal Credit Day.

International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination (England only)

This will be celebrated in England in late May because it marks the achievement of one of our country’s greatest champions for racial justice. To our collective shame, Gary Lineker was racially abused as a child because of his complexion. Despite this trauma it was on May 26 1984 that Gary defied the ingrained prejudice of the football world to make his debut for England. In recognition of his courage the BBC employs Gary on a salary of over £1.3million to talk about football and whatever he wishes to lecture us on.

Hate Day (Scotland only)

At a date to be decided, the SNP is to introduce a Hate Day. A selection of those deemed to have uttered or written unpleasant words will be scourged on Princes Street by Humza Yousaf and his cabinet colleagues. The miscreants will then be paraded through the streets of Edinburgh on the back of a cart. The crowd will be encouraged to jeer at the villains and throw deep-fried Mars bars and cans of Irn-Bru in their direction.

NB: As high street banks have virtually disappeared and digital currency will ensure that the few that remain are soon converted into Wetherspoon pubs or hostels for illegal immigrants, it has been decided to rename Bank Holidays as New World Order Days. This will remind citizens of the beneficence and kindness of their rulers. 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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