SCIENTISTS are warning of a terrifying new Covid variant that could lead to mass neurosis amongst a frightened British population.
It has been named the ‘Bedwetter’ variant. Its properties are:
1. No symptoms
2. No fatalities
3. No transmissible infection
Nonetheless, the variant is known to cause rampant bedwetting amongst the conformists, the cowards and those pathetic people who have no lives of their own but who love to control those of others.
It follows hot on the heels of the notorious ‘Omniballs’ variant, which translated from the Greek alphabet means ‘A load of b*ll*cks’. That variant was particularly virulent amongst crooks and charlatans, the first outbreak being recorded after a mass gathering of the political and media class at Downing Street last year. So virulent was the Omniballs variant that in a hundred years from now, every single person who attended that party will be dead.
The new variant is even worse. Tragically, when in advanced stages of non-infection, it causes a violent brain fever, with those stricken known to start raving about locking down the unvaccinated and compulsory vaccination for all, even the dead.
‘It’s very important that the dead are vaccinated in order to protect them from getting Covid,’ said Communist Party member Susan Mickey-Take from Independent Onion. ‘Unfortunately, voluntary uptake amongst the dead community has been extremely poor, and based on our research, we can now reveal the shocking statistic that 100 per cent who have been dead for over a year have not had the vaccine. We’ve tried reaching out to elders within the dead community, but nothing seems to work, so it’s time to get tough with these refuseniks. We implore the government to disinter anyone buried in the last 150 years and compulsory vaccinate their corpses whether they agree to it or not.
‘We think going back that far will probably be enough, though there are contingency plans to vaccinate everyone going back to the Neolithic Age if our modelled worst-case scenario comes true. After all, you can never be too careful.’
Indeed. God help us all.