Saturday, April 13, 2024
HomeNewsThe Thunberg Diaries (A TCW exclusive)

The Thunberg Diaries (A TCW exclusive)


AFTER an intense bidding war, The Conservative Woman has acquired the publication rights to the Greta Thunberg Diaries. Ms Thunberg says the proceeds will go to environmental charities. This excerpt is translated by John Ellwood.


Raining. Never has it rained like this. Mr Erickson next door is still using his diesel car. Curses on him! Ten minutes late for school. The electric bus ran out of fuel.

At lunch Nasty Naomi Siebt put a slug in my lettuce. She is jealous. My cake sank in domestic science. Fed it to birds. John Kerry called. He wants to meet tomorrow at lunchtime. Vegan pickled herring for dinner. Watched TV. No text from Bengt :(


Very windy possibly a hurricane. Saw big clouds of carbon dioxide coming from Erickson’s Volvo. ‘You have ruined my future,’ I shouted through bedroom window. He pretended not to hear. Fifteen minutes late for school. An electric car had caught fire. 

Detention :( Not fair. I rang the Pope who said he could not help but would pray. Met John Kerry at lunch. Tall men with guns took photos, they asked me to look more sad. Mr Kerry promised big changes in USA and said the new President would call. He left to fly to USA via Tokyo and Cape Town. Naomi Siebt stole my pencil sharpener. Bengt was in detention with me. I think he smiled:) Vegan meat balls for tea. Birds did not eat my cake. Read ‘Famous Five Save a Sparrow’. Smiley text from Bengt. Happy.


Sunny. Never has there been so much sunshine. Papa told me not to shout at Erickson as he has gun. Bus on time. Rang Boris Johnson at break. He passed me to someone called Carrie. She agreed to ban all coal mining. Underbar! She wants to meet me in Glasgow for big meeting. I look forward to being in England again. I may swim there. Got a D- for Environmental Science exam. Better than last time. At lunch phoned President Xi to tell him to tell him humanity is at a crossroads and to stop using coal. He hung up. Curses! Said ‘Hi’ to Bengt. He said ‘Hi’. Followed home by two Chinese men in big black car. Carrots and white cabbage for dinner. Bengt sent funny cat video. :) :) V happy


Snow. It has never snowed like this before. Bus stuck in snow. Twenty minutes late for school. Another detention. Phoned Dalai Lama, he said he could not help but would meditate. My cinnamon buns were very hard. Ms Olsson said they could be used for building. Bill Gates called at lunchtime just as I saw Bengt and Nasty Naomi talking. Curses! Gates said nanoparticle research going well and soon will be in vaccines. Horrid Naomi Siebt put icicles in my shorts at netball. I phoned President Modi at break. Told him he is stealing my future, and India must not use coal. He cut me off. Curses! Followed home by two Chinese men and now two Indian men. Mr Erickson came out with his gun and told them to go away. Vegan herring for dinner. Nothing from Bengt. Sad.


Hot. Never has it been this hot. Skolstrejk Day. I walked to school gates with sign. Not many press so went home. Text from Bengt ‘Meet tomorrow at ABBA Museum’. V happy. President Biden called at lunch. He said he loved me in Anna Karenina hoped I wasn’t too lonely, and that I should do some more movies. He then said I should speak with Somalia Paris. Spoke to Vice President. We agreed on ways to save the planet. Underbar! Bored, watched some Attenborough films but fell asleep. In evening rang President Putin to tell him Arctic was on fire. He laughed. Vegan meat balls again. Can’t wait for tomorrow. Now three cars outside. New one has two Slavic men. 


Mild. It has never ever been so mild! In morning I made more cinnamon buns, burnt them. Mother threw them at fox. I met Bengt at museum. We saw nice costumes and heard silly songs. He bought me a nut bar and an almond latte decaf. We talked about school. He said Naomi Siebt was ‘cute’. I said ‘How dare you!’ and left without finishing my latte. I took the nuts. Rats and double curses!!

Cried when got home. Mother said the fox didn’t eat my buns. V V bad day. Three cars with men outside again. 


Fog, thickest it’s ever been. Papa says I have won the Montenegro Prize for Effort. He is writing my acceptance speech. Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize again. Three cars outside. Mr Erickson went out with gun. Environmental Science homework about clouds, white ones are not floating snow. Black ones carry rain! Texted Bengt: ‘You have stolen my future’. Mrs Erickson came round, said Mr E is missing. Mother’s special vegan casserole for dinner. Yuk! Normal week.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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