GRETA Thunberg is bringing out a new book today to show us how to save the world.
Enthrallingly entitled The Climate Book, it is a compilation by the 19-year-old Swedish ‘environmental activist’ of ‘the wisdom of over one hundred experts – geophysicists, oceanographers and meteorologists; engineers, economists and mathematicians; historians, philosophers and indigenous leaders – to equip us all with the knowledge we need to combat climate disaster’.
Purely by coincidence, it’s being published just ten days before the COP27 climate summit in sunny Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt.
Full details of the book’s content were under wraps until today. However, a chunk of text has been leaked which may be an early draft of the foreword …
‘Hälsningar från Greta, bokköpare!’ That’s Swedish for ‘Greetings from Greta, book-buyers!’
Yes, I’m super-excited about The Climate Book, and once I’ve read it, I’m sure I’ll think it’s brilliant. But if you are just thumbing through the book with no intention of buying it, HOW DARE YOU!
My book is full of insightful contributions from experts giving their unbiased and independent opinions on why I am dead right about the forthcoming climate catastrophe.
They are understandably awestruck by the fact that a pigtailed teenager with a tea-cosy on her head can be so world-changingly clever without any scientific qualifications. So bra gjort, all of you!
The good news doesn’t end there. Once you’ve read the book and set about saving the planet, it has extra usefulness … it is thick enough so you can sit on it when staging your own Skolstrejk för Klimatet on Fridays!
As I well know, it gets cold when you’re squatting vacant-eyed on a concrete school step clutching a scrawled placard, especially in the Swedish winter, and these 464 pages will provide you with much-needed insulation.
Please note though, that the book will start to biodegrade after a fortnight and it should then be taken to your local recycling centre, where we have arranged to have it repurposed into eco-friendly boxes for free-range eggs from rescued chickens. So if you’re going to be sitting outside your school for a while, you’d better buy a few copies!
But no more talking – blah, blah, blah. My lovely book has already had amazingly positive responses from impeccably impartial reviewers and here is a small selection I’d like to share with you …
‘I was glued to every page.’ – Enoch ‘Roadsticker’ Moonfish, Insulate Britain.
‘This is our new Bible.’ – Reverend Ignatius Overturf, Church of the Coming Climate Apocalypse, Great Salt Desert, Utah.
‘Emission accomplished, Greta.’ –Hastings Butterbaugh, Carbon Footprint Correspondent, The Greenhouse Gas Weekly Examiner.
‘Full of doom and gloom … I enjoyed it immensely.’ – Dr Arnold Clanger, Professor of Climate Catastrophe, University of Sumwer-Orutha.
‘I can’t read it because I’ve cable-tied my head to a goalpost, but I’m sure it’s wonderful.’ – Louis McKechnie, Just Stop Oil.
‘This book has made us redundant.’ – The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.
‘I’ll beat a sceptic senseless with my copy.’ – Leonid B Cockspittle, author of ‘Kill All Climate Change Deniers’.
‘It left me feeling pumped up with hope.’ – Cornelius Lowbar, chairperson, Let Tyres Down to Save the Planet Co-operative.
‘Buy this book … 10,000 copies piled together will block a refinery entrance.’ – Anne Thropological, Extinction Rebellion campaigner.
‘An off-the-Richter-scale blockbuster.’ – Emmeline Ballgrinder, author of ‘The Great British Quake-Off: How Fracking Will Split the Country in Two’.
‘Greta? You mean Garbo? Boy, she was some dame!’ – Joe Biden, President of the United States.
‘Make sure you COP a copy.’ – Sameh Shokry, COP27 president-designate, Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt.
‘Greta’s no fossil fool.’ – Omar P Whistlefrog, author of ‘Go Green: Build Your Own Gas-Cooled Thermo-Nuclear Reactor’.
‘One will read this book to one’s plants.’ – King Charles III.
‘A narrative as powerful as a ground source heat pump in a well-insulated dwelling whose owners have taken advantage of the Government’s generous subsidy scheme.’ – Lord Deben, chairman, UK Committee on Climate Change.
‘It’ll be a best-seller, because I’ll buy every copy.’ – Bill Gates
‘Does it mention the polar bears?’ – Sir David Attenborough.