Wednesday, July 24, 2024
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The Yard’s lentil touch  


AN elite SWAT-style police squad has been formed by Scotland Yard to tackle eco-zealots who are deflating the tyres of ‘gas-guzzling’ 4x4s, TCW Defending Freedom can reveal.

The new Counter-Lentil Operations Taskforce (CLOT) aims to stop the climate-change crazies from using lentils to jam tyre valves open, releasing the air. But critics say that because of the Met’s ‘woke’ approach to policing, the new unit is already too hampered by politically correct rules to be effective.   

So let’s cross over to the Yard, where the CLOT squad commander is briefing his teams before they go out on night patrol …   

‘Evening, all. Tonight we’re expecting an extensive weaponised lentil assault, so I’m authorising the use of armaments. Any questions? Yes, constable.’   

–  ‘What’ll our armament be, sir? Heckler and Koch MP5 sub-machine guns, or Glock 9mm semi-automatic pistols?’   

‘No … peashooters.’   

–  ‘Peashooters, sir? You’re taking the pistachio, aren’t you?’   

‘No, I’m not. Under our equality rules, we can only retaliate with devices of the same order as those used by the miscreants, otherwise they might sue us for discrimination. Since they’re armed with lentils, a veggie projectile is our only option, I’m afraid. 

‘Mind you, the CLOT-issue BlowHard® is no ordinary peashooter. Stainless steel tube, rubber hand grip, crosshair sights, moulded mouthpiece – an impressive piece of kit.    

‘It comes with a bandolier of pods, each containing ten rounds of peas. Every pea has a hardened outer shell, a bit like a full metal jacket on a bullet. Effective range ten feet, rate of fire 30 peas per minute, depending on your lung capacity. So lay off the smokes.’    

–  ‘Still not exactly Dirty Harry’s .44 Magnum though, is it, sir?’   

‘Okay, that’s enough backchat. Remember, before blowing a pea, you must give a warning by shouting, “Pea-armed CLOT!”   

–  ‘What if we down someone with our peashooters, sir?’    

‘First, carefully approach the subject and check for a pulse. We’ve heard that as well as lentils, the eco-nutters are using pulses such as chickpeas, black-eyed peas, runner beans, haricot beans and broad beans. They can all badly bung up a tyre valve. Once we’ve got the lentilists bang to rights, they won’t have a legume to stand on.’   

– ‘Then they’ll be doing a good stretch of porridge, eh sir?’   

‘Er, sadly not. Under the new Lentilist Rehabilitation Programme, they won’t be jailed, but will be given a grant and sent to a cookery school to learn legal uses of lentils – soup, curry, stew, quiche, pies, burgers, the lot.’    

–  ‘Well that’s no proper punishment for deflating tyres and putting drivers in danger, is it sir?’   

‘Yes, it is a bit of a letdown.’    

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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