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Tuesday, April 16, 2024
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HomeNewsThere’s a place for everyone in the new model Army

There’s a place for everyone in the new model Army

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THE British Army is renowned the world over for its fighting prowess, discipline and astounding ceremonial expertise. Over the years recruitment campaigns have reflected the changing public mood. Lord Kitchener’s ‘Your Country Needs You’ gave way to ‘Join the Professionals’ which morphed into the controversial ‘Snowflakes, Your Country Needs You and Your Compassion’. Binge gamers, selfie addicts, millennials and phone zombies have recently been in the crosshairs of Army recruiters.

With the UK facing a wave of strikes across many industries, the Army finds itself once again in the vanguard of providing manpower to keep things running. While potential recruits have been deterred from ‘taking the King’s shilling’ by worries about parade ground drills and boot polishing, the modern Army has vacancies suitable for a wide range of individuals. TCW has had a sneak preview of the new jobs available via the Army’s in-house recruitment website.

Passport Officers: Are you someone who enjoys sitting down all day? If so, we would welcome your application to serve as one of Border Force’s elite inspectorsThe ability to ignore noisy tutting and to avoid eye contact with frustrated travellers in endless queues would see a fast-tracked application procedure. Experience of working with an ink pad and a rubber stamp would be a distinct advantage.

Postmen: Very much a hands-onjob and one that would instantly appeal to those with an eye for detail and a technical bent. Familiarity with garden gate latches, aggressive canines and letterboxes could mark you out as a suitable candidate.

Nurses: Have you watched every episode of Casualty or Holby City? Yes? Then we want to hear from you.Compassion is a ‘must’ for anyone wishing to care for patients in the world-beating NHS. With a waiting list of over 7million and rising, this is very much ‘a job for life’. Uniform and camouflage paint provided.

University lecturers: If you like the idea of a corduroy jacket with leather elbow patches, a sophisticated environment and access to a fine wine cellar at bargain basement prices, this could be the job for you. No experience of the real world necessary. Unlimited holiday pay. A working knowledge of assembling rifles is not required.

Train drivers: We anticipate a huge demand from those who have a love affair with locomotion. Applications from individuals who are familiar with flexible rostering, arcane working practices and belligerence are especially welcome.

Civil Servants:  Do you like daytime TV and dunking biscuits? These vacancies could be tailor-made for you. For individuals preferring to ‘work from home’ the modern Army is looking for you. No experience necessary and a generous clothing allowance for pyjamas and dressing gowns will be offered to the successful applicant, plus home fuel allowance.

The British Army: It’s not all about defence.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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