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Today Chatty, tomorrow Baron Charles


OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence to his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966 but is planning to retire at the next General Election.

My Dear Friends 

I know that my decision to stand down from the House has been met with widespread dismay.  I have been deeply touched by your overwhelming messages expressing gratitude for my work on your behalf. 

Many of you are deeply concerned that some scabrous interloper will be foisted upon you at the coming General Election and that such a person will turn out to be yet another unprincipled rascal. I am pleased to reassure you that this will not be the case. My grandson Ivanhoe has kindly agreed to be your elected representative. He will do so on the understanding that he is not required to sully his good name, nor that of Tittleham, by attending the nest of depravity and irrelevance that the House of Commons has become. Incidentally, you may have noticed that Ivanhoe has been busy drilling the ladies of the Tittleham Territorials (Women’s Institute, A-Company) as they perfect their Testudo formation. There is no doubt that their gleaming shields in tight configuration will strike terror into the hearts of the most ruthless intruders.

For my part, I have agreed to take the ermine to become Baron Charles Chatterton of Greater Tittleham. I am acutely aware that following Blair’s disastrous intervention in 1999, the Upper House can no longer be relied upon to protect the interests of the decent people of the shires. It is now filled with oleaginous creeps like Cameron, crooked party donors and gormless activists who were once dinner ladies or bus conductors. However, despite the presence of that ragtag assortment, I shall not hesitate to disrupt and delay legislation when the parasitical socialists in the Commons pass on their ludicrous proposals. 

Of late, I have attended some of the debate in the House about sending the criminals who come here illegally to a country in the middle of Africa. Like most of my colleagues I could not make head nor tail of the plan. Apparently, for every one of the blighters we send them, they send back a lame individual who has limped into their country from the Belgian Congo. 

I must point out that I have no objection to allowing a few worthy types to come here for a short period. I fondly recall a time in the 1960s when I employed a genial, gangling South American fellow called Clive (I never knew his surname) as an assistant gardener. His height was extremely useful when it came to harvesting the apples and replacing panes in the greenhouse roof. I do remember offering Clive a place in the Hall’s annual cricket match against the Tittleham First XI following Mellors’s withdrawal with a groin injury. To my amazement he bowled a well disguised Chinaman and took five wickets. I gave him some tips on his rather woeful batting and persuaded him to adopt a left-handed stance. On leaving, I believe he went off to play regularly somewhere up in the north; Lancashire I think it was.

You may have noticed that some of the world’s most evil creatures have been gathering in Switzerland to unfurl their banners of darkness. I am proud of the preparations that we are making in Tittleham to confound their knavish tricks and schemes. One of their ruses to control your freedom is the plan to introduce a so-called digital currency. I have no idea what this is, but it does not sound at all sensible. Consequently, I have decided to develop a new unit of currency to be named the Tittle. The initiative is in its early stages, but it is likely that the value of a Tittle will be tied to one of Lady Veronica’s medium-sized lemon drizzle cakes. To give you an idea of how this will work, a leg of lamb could be exchanged for three lemon drizzle cakes or three Tittles. A second-hand electric car would cost approximately fifty Tittles, and so on. My dear wife’s cupcakes could be used as the basis for smaller purchases.

Make no mistake, the good people of Tittleham will continue to find ways to prevail against the empire of evil. The tide is turning. The rogues are panicking. With your help this winter of despair will give way to the spring of hope.

Your humble servant 

Sir Charles Chatterton MP
Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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