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Top secret: The Zelensky memo

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TCW Defending Freedom has intercepted a memo from the Central Intelligence Agency’s agent Miriam Sticklebacker to the Maryland based PR agency Cision. 

Thank you for your draft piece about the Ukrainian President. As I explained when we met, we at the Agency can sense a growing war-weariness in Washington even from the craziest neocons like Graham and Nuland. Not only that but there is some sort of soccer tournament taking place and many of the sheep are losing interest in the project. It is of the utmost importance that we keep our key asset in the news and maintain support for the conflict.

I like your introduction . . . President Zelensky is widely acknowledged as a master of communication and the lessons below are gifts for us all as we, too, endeavor to own critical moments . . .

However, I should like you to consider the following amendments.

Volodymyr Zelensky has absolutely capitalised on the power of mythology to galvanise his audience and see them amplify his messaging and support his political goals. 

Can you find a possible hereditary link to Ares the Greek God of war, or if not the Roman one Mars?

His simple language, often using words like solidarity, resilience and peace, speaks to all levels of Ukrainian and global society . . .

Bearing in mind the above, it might be best to take out ‘peace’.

Zelensky knows how to tell a powerful story and communicate with authenticity, especially in times of crisis.

Is it not possible to give the reader something more concrete and emotive? Perhaps he has rescued some babies from a ruined hospital. Maybe he is an expert sniper. Has he single-handedly taken out any Russian T-14 battle tanks with a Molotov cocktail?

When speaking to his people, he keeps an open line of communication. He may post more than 20 times a day, informing his citizens of diplomatic progress: ‘Talked to @JustinTrudeau. Thanked him for the leadership in imposing anti-Russian sanctions,’ he tweeted on March 2 in a typical post.

As we are supposed to be promoting freedom and democracy, I am not sure that mentioning the blackface Canadian tyrant is appropriate. Maybe change that to a fawning message to the new English guy, Snicksnack, Sanook, Sunsnook or whatever.

By watching and learning from the world leader some have compared to Winston Churchill, professional communicators might succeed just as brilliantly – especially in times of crisis.

Although the Churchill comparison is valid, as we are the biggest donors I think Franklin Delano Roosevelt or even John F Kennedy would be more appropriate. Failing that what about J.C.?

Similarly, you write: As noted by Susan J. Wolfson in The Atlantic, who argues the Ukrainian president is ‘the genuine Byronic hero for our times’.

To be honest, not many people know anything about Byron these days except that he had lots of women and enjoyed swimming. I suggest you instead make reference to Abe Lincoln or Alexander Hamilton, if the show is still running (please check).

As of July 2022, he had 16.9million Instagram followers, 6.4million followers on Twitter and over 3million connections on Facebook . . .

Now that the loose cannon, Musk, is in charge of Twitter and has vowed to take out our Bots, and Zuckerberg has admitted colluding with the FBI, it may be a good idea to delete this passage.

Naturally, I was pleased to see that you were able to steer clear of any inaccurate and scurrilous stories connecting Zelensky with corruption, the British Virgin Islands, Hunter Biden, Burisma, Ihor Kolomoisky, the banning of opposition parties, control of the media, FTX, Sam Bankman-Fried, cocaine, neo-Nazis, the Azov Brigade, war crimes, the World Economic Forum etc. 

Thank you again for your co-operation. I look forward to your revisions.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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