THREE weeks of isolation may be daunting, but it doesn’t have to be Dullsville. With a little planning, you could turn your lockdown into an interesting experience. So why not try . . .
The Flockdown: Isolate in a remote shepherd’s hut. But be warned that prices for these sought-after hideaways are rising rapidly and you may be fleeced.
The Chocdown: Isolate at home with three weeks’ supply of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk, Rolo, Kit-Kats, Mars Bars and Quality Street, etc. But don’t have any Breakaway biscuits – they might give you ideas.
The Baroquedown: Isolate in St Paul’s Cathedral and admire its ornate magnificence. You can also increase your 6ft social distance to 137ft by chatting to others along the Whispering Gallery.
The Bullockdown: Isolate on a cattle farm and after three weeks you’ll either have developed herd immunity, or be suffering from Cowvid-19.
The Cellblockdown: Get yourself arrested and jailed, perhaps for organising an illegal gathering, then ask to be put into solitary confinement.
The Dreadlockdown: Isolate in Jamaica (if any airline’s still flying there). Provided the panic-buyers haven’t stripped the supermarket shelves, you could enjoy pasta with a Rasta.
The Fetlockdown: Isolate in a farm building where horses are kept. You’ll be in a stable condition throughout.
The Hillockdown: Isolate in the Cotswolds, but watch out for speeding Chelsea Tractors as thousands of well-heeled Londoners flee to their second homes.
The Jockdown: Don a kilt and sporran, buy a three-week supply of porridge and haggis, and isolate in a bothy high in the Cairngorms, out of range of Nicola Sturgeon on the radio.
The Wokdown: Isolating in China may be self-defeating, but take your own food – remember that bats, anteaters, civets, cobras and dogs are now off the menu.
The Rockdown: Isolate at home with your Sixties record collection, playing We Gotta Get Out of This Place on a loop, annoying your locked-down neighbours.
The Sherlockdown: Isolate with a copy of The Hound of the Baskervilles while smoking a pipe and wearing a deerstalker. But take elementary hygiene precautions.
The Warlockdown: Have a wizard time by isolating yourself with the Harry Potter series of books.
The Shylockdown: Isolate with a copy of The Merchant of Venice and don’t forget to stockpile a pound of flesh.
The Clockdown: Time your isolation to the nanosecond with a digital chronometer linked to the European atomic signal.
The Stockdown: As you isolate, watch the price of your shares plunge via a Bloomberg real-time computer uplink.
The Mockdown: Pretend to isolate, but keep slipping down to the supermarket to stock up on toilet rolls.