Sunday, June 16, 2024
HomeCulture WarUncle Klaus calling . . .

Uncle Klaus calling . . .


HELLO children and useless eaters everywhere. 

Welcome once again to your favourite radio station WEF FM. After reading some nasty headlines about your Uncle Klaus, today I am going to play some of your favourite songs so zat I can rebuild trust in our wonderful organisation.

Many of you are vorried zat ve are planning to confiscate all of your toys. You should not be so concerned. Ven ve do zat ve vill still let you play with those things if you give us some of your pocket money. ‘Happy and You Know it’ is a song zat vill cheer you up.

Next ve have a letter from a young man who has been told zat he vill not be able to play with his collection of Dinky cars. Do not worry Jeremy, you vill still haff lots of ze nice varm electric buses to use. ‘Ze veels on ze bus’ is ze perfect song for you.

Samantha writes to ask how she can get to her holiday home in Saint Lucia ven ve introduce ze carbon credits. Vell, Samantha you vill have heard ze expression ‘Ver there’s a vill ver’s a vay’. Here is a song you vill know, ’Row, Row, Row Your Boat’.

I haff a letter from Bill who lives far far away in Seattle. Bill says zat it is very bad to eat animals because if ve do the weather vill be very bad. He has some great ideas about other things like tasty bugs zat you vill enjoy. Thank you Bill, here is your request, ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider’.

Lots of you are asking if ve are to take away your pocket money. It is true zat you vill have brand new money zat you can see on your phone. If you are good boys and girls you vill still be able to buy little treats from time to time. Zis song vill reassure you that your digital pennies vill allow you to buy a few things. Here is ‘Hot Cross Buns’.

It is now time for me to say farewell. I haff lots of important meetings in ze next few days vith grown-ups. 

Make sure you clean your teeth with lots of fluoride toothpaste, eat lots of crunchy bugs, and keep on taking your safe and effective vaccines. 

Goodbye children and useless eaters everywhere.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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