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Unprecedented admissions at the BoJo Academy


THERE was some unnecessary confusion and upset this week both within and outside the Academy’s walls. Part of this uncertainty was occasioned by some ill-founded tittle-tattle, the rest caused by two individuals talking out of turn.

As parents and pupils well know, the BoJo Academy was founded many years ago to cater for the offspring of missionaries; this tenet has long been a cherished totem for Headteachers past and present. It is also true that the admissions office has received an unprecedented number of applications from overseas students, all eager to take advantage of the myriad facilities the Academy can offer.

However, talk of ‘unsustainable numbers’, alongside predictions of not enough dormitory places, are thankfully wide of the mark. Indeed, having recently cleared out the CCF’s armaments building (acceding to requests by the Academy’s friend Mr Zelensky at Kyiv Boys’ School) we are now able to house many more weekly and term boarders from abroad. This is welcome news to impart, and shame on the individuals peddling these inaccuracies, or doomsters, as Mr Johnson himself might have called them.

This recent influx has however necessitated the inauguration of a new School House, which can better cater for their needs. Recognising that these pupils have crossed frontiers, and will no doubt be strong contributors to school life, the Headmaster was thrilled to announce that Border Force will take its place alongside the pantheon of illustrious Houses, Trans, Net Zero, Unisex and Ulez. Will all boys please try to make everyone welcome.

All gas and gaiters

Older boys will remember when Mr Welby ran the home fuel depot in the High Street called Oil’s well that ends well. Since his abrupt and perplexing change of career to become Chaplain at the Academy, he appears to have undergone something of a Damascene conversion himself.

At school he cuts a slightly extravagant spectacle. Clad in his ecclesiastical robes and seemingly happy to jump on any fashionable bandwagon, he can be a somewhat divisive and overbearing character.

Known to one and all as Pope Pious, he will gladly collar anyone unfortunate to encounter him, and harangue them with an endless stream of sanctimonious homilies. His demeanour guarantees him an extremely wide berth in the staff common room.

Given Chaplain’s record, it was still a shock to hear him recently preaching from the pulpit about the supposed iniquity of the Headmaster’s plans for a sister school in Rwanda – set up to cater for the overflowing influx of foreign pupils.

Quite what prompted such a muddle-headed and vitriolic outburst is anyone’s guess. Clearly though, it was unacceptable and wrong for him to stray into an area of school policy, which frankly he is not qualified to comment on. In future Reverend Sir, might we respectfully suggest you restrict your rather turgid sermons to religious themes?

Loose lips

It really came as no surprise that Mr Starmer, or ‘Big Mouth’ as he is nicknamed, the progressive Headmaster at Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive, found himself at the centre of educational controversy last week. Talking to no one in particular, and with his tongue no doubt loosened by one beer too many, he held forth on the potential benefits of a ‘tie-up’ with Ashdown High, a school that helps those with challenges.

As our worldly-wise Headmaster Mr Sunak so presciently commented: ‘You would have to be stark staring bonkers to hitch your wagon to either of those two losers. I know them quite well from a variety of seminars and conferences and let me assure you that they are as bad as each other. It would be a sad day for the young of the parish if all they had to look forward to was some sixth-form student idiocy and protest votes. Mark my words, I will be Headmaster at the BoJo Academy for many years to come.’

We hope so too, Headmaster; thank you for clarifying.

Finally, there has been some talk of a member of staff caught speeding in town and trying to cover up this misdemeanour via the Headmaster’s office. This type of behaviour has no place at the BoJo Academy and when the culprit is exposed, he/she/them can expect swift retribution à la Raab.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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