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Friday, June 14, 2024
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Vote for me or die a horrible death

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TO HELP readers decide which party they should vote for at the coming General Election, TCW’s Political Editor asked candidates for a marginal seat in the West Midlands to tell us why they deserve our vote.

Damian D (Conservative)

It is only a matter of time before the next pandemic arrives on our shores. In fact it may already be here, lurking in a cheese sandwich and ready to pounce. Between them Rishi Sunak and Matt Hancock saved millions of lives during covid. If you do not vote Conservative you will all die a horrible death.

Ranjeev M (Labour)

There is only one issue at stake in this election and that is the plight of the people of Gaza. We must do everything we can to support Hamas and we will start by recognising the Palestinian state. Mark my words, if Sir Keir does not act quickly as our new Prime Minister we will dispose of him, inshallah. 

Sally B (Liberal Democrat) 

The 55 bus to Birmingham is often late. This is intolerable and the result of 14 wasted years of Tory rule. It is delayed by congestion on the A457. The problem is compounded by selfish motorists using the A4033 as a rat run. The LibDems will ensure that the 55 is given priority at the traffic lights on the A459. We will also take a hard line on litter and dog poo.

Dan S (Reform)

Apart from dealing with immigration we must give our full support to the dictator Zelensky as he valiantly fights off the dictator Putin. Putin needs to be taught a lesson and Richard Tice has the Churchillian qualities our nation is crying out for at this moment in time. 

Jeremy T (Green) 

My ambition is to be the youngest MP ever. The world is burning. Bears are starving. Fish cannot breathe. My gerbil will not eat. Mummy says she will buy me long trousers if I am elected and daddy said he would buy me an ice cream when I go to London.

Hamish M (SNP)

There is a sizeable Scottish community in and around Dudley and it is possible that a split vote could allow the SNP tae win this seat. Aye and this area is not hideously white like Scotland, so I have a chance.

Gwyneth J (Plaid Cymru)

I’m not being funny or anything but why shouldn’t this area have a Plaid MP? To be perfectly honest if you are going to waste your vote for any of the above tossers you might just as well vote for me. Like other members of my Party I will do absolutely sod all if I get to Westminster. 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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