Sunday, April 14, 2024
HomeCulture WarWaking up to woke – your guide to national institutions

Waking up to woke – your guide to national institutions


THE outgoing head of the UK Border Force has described ‘bloody borders’ as ‘just such a pain in the bloody a**e’, while the National Railway Museum is to investigate the links of steam locomotives with slavery.TCW Defending Freedom asked the leaders of other national institutions about their understanding of their mission and priorities. These are the replies from their wokespersons:

National Gallery

Of course people expect to see a few pictures, but to be perfectly honest we have far too many that are past their sell-by date. Many depict dead people wearing gaudy outfits or events that are inextricably linked to slavery, privilege and imperial conflict. Given our location in the heart of the capital we see scope for enhanced retail space in the gallery which we hope will include a nail bar and the largest Starbucks in Europe.

National Trust 

We at the NT pride ourselves in being pacesetters in making our people and properties fit for the 21st century. We are working on plans for all visitors to attend a 30-minute lecture entitled ‘Slavery: Britain’s Shame’. Those who decline will be refused entry and we reserve the right to report them for committing a hate crime. Furthermore, all artefacts in our properties and all non-indigenous trees and shrubs in our gardens are to be returned to their rightful owners in their country of origin.

Metropolitan Police

Like everybody else we are concerned about crime; it does seem to be getting a lot worse. However, we cannot just stand idly by while Insulate Britain protesters glue their faces to the M25. Their comfort and safety has to take priority over knife murders and terrorism. Resources are limited but if we were to ignore these worthy demonstrators how would they keep warm and get the nourishment they need during their brave blockades?

Ministry of Defence 

Modern warfare has changed. British armed forces have long been at the forefront of tactical innovation. This can continue only if our fighting men, women and non-binaries address each other with their preferred personal pronoun. As I speak, rigorous training is taking place at every single one of our bases to ensure that no one suffers the pain of misidentification or hurty words.

This does not mean we have taken our eyes off our most dangerous enemy – climate change. We have enlisted the brightest and best from our universities and industry to ensure that we become carbon neutral by 2030. Progress is being made. For example our new all-electric battle tank, the ‘Harrabin’, has a range of over 300 metres. A new lightly armed E-Drone, the ‘Johnson’, can stay airborne for at least ten minutes (weather permitting), while the Royal Navy will soon transition to a fleet led by a reconditioned HMS Victory, the Cutty Sark and the Mary Rose, plus any old hulks left over from the Onedin Line.

Conservative Party

Above all else, we pride ourselves on being a pragmatic political party. It has often been said that we support law and order, secure borders, low taxation and a smaller state. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are now supporters of open borders and a technocratic medical/climate authoritarianism that enriches us and our associates. More fool you if you thought otherwise.

A leading international charity 

It is obviously risible to try to solve the problems of the world’s hungriest people by giving them food. Instead of sending our people to godforsaken, mosquito-ravaged war zones, it is far more sensible for us to ensure an unchanging climate that allows them to grow their own produce and provides predictable rainfall. To this end our strategy is to end the Climate Emergency. Only this month we spent a not inconsiderable sum sending 40 of our staff to COP26 in Glasgow. There is little doubt that their intervention will restrict the increase in average world temperatures by up to half of one per cent Celsius during the next 30 years or so with a bit of luck, fingers crossed.

British Medical Association

The recent pandemic has proved that the traditional role of the family doctor is not fit for purpose. In the age of Google, all patients have the capacity to self-assess their condition and seek remedies through Amazon or the ‘Dark Web’. Our members must now devote their valuable time to more important matters such as inoculating all and sundry with whatever pharmaceutical concoction the government says is necessary to cover their incompetence.


We appreciate that there have been a small number of gripes from Right-wing extremists about the so-called ‘wokeness’ and Left-wing bias that they allege permeates most of our output and our unquestioning support for the settled science surrounding the Climate Emergency and the Covid-19 pandemic. However, it is grossly unfair to depict the Corporation as a propaganda outlet for those who want to destroy British culture and traditions. The nightly airing of the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4 surely gives the lie to that accusation.

Meteorological Office

While we will continue to provide the BBC with our frankly pointless and soporific Shipping Forecast (which we know is listened to only by insomniacs and those with hangovers) we have for a long time been aware that no one really gives a toss about our weather forecasts. Consequently, our raison d’être is to scare people with dire warnings about impending blustery conditions and give them unusual names. This approach has been so popular that we have decided to give periods of warm weather their own names: look out for Heatwave Beelzebub, Heatwave Lucifer and Heatwave Satan.

Imperial War Museum

It is to our great shame that we are custodians of weapons that were used to subjugate people of other nations. We sincerely apologise for this and the failings of those who caused those weapons to be unleashed. For example, Winston Churchill: the heavy-drinking, overweight warmonger could never be described as a role model for the leaders of today. On the other hand his principal adversary, for all his faults, was an advocate of European Union, vegetarianism, a respect for the environment that would have been approved by Extinction Rebellion, and medical interventions designed to create a healthier society.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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