Monday, September 27, 2021
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We all live in a Tory submarine

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Submarines are in the news, with the SNP reiterating their threat to expel Britain’s Trident missile fleet from Scotland if they win an independence referendum. Meanwhile, the Sunday night nuclear submarine drama Vigil on BBC One has become such a big hit that a second series is already in the making – this time with a political theme. Here, we present an exclusive extract from Vigil 2: The Tories All At Sea . . .   

HER Majesty’s Submarine Bojo is on patrol in the murky depths of the Westminster Bubble. Captain ‘Jonah’ Johnson addresses the crew.  

‘Right, we’ll be navigating dangerous waters – the NI Rise Reef, the Welfare Whirlpool, the Corporation Tax Trench, the Remainer Riptide, the National Debt Doldrums and the Covid Creek. Once we’ve negotiated our way through that lot, we’ll be hunting the Corbyn-class submarine Pink October. Any questions? Yes, Commander Gove?’  

–  ‘Isn’t the Corbyn class obsolete, sir? We sank the last one in 2019. It was a rickety old tub. The steering gear was jammed to the left, and it kept going round in ever-decreasing circles.’  

‘No, commander – this is an updated version. With Captain “Calamity” Keir at the controls, it can go left, right, centre, up, down and sideways and do U-turns. Now then, up periscope! What can you see, Lieutenant Patel?’  

–  ‘Incoming!’  

‘Good God, Patel, are we under attack?’  

–  ‘No, sir, there are migrants in dinghies, dozens of them, incoming to Britain.’  

‘Dive!’  

–  ‘But sir, shouldn’t we go up and check them out?’  

‘Here, give me the periscope. I see no dinghies.’  

–  ‘That’s because you’ve just put the cover on the eyepiece, sir.’  

‘You’re dismissed, lieutenant. Helmsman Kwarteng, dive the boat! Now then . . . yes, Petty Officer Raab, what is it?’  

– ‘I’ve got a ping on my sonar, sir.’  

‘Well, ask Medical Officer Javid to have a look at it. He’ll give you some cream or something.’  

– ‘No, sir, I think it’s the Pink October. It’s tracking us.’  

‘Cripes! Pass me the hotline. Hello, Weapons Officer Sunak, this is the captain speaking. Prepare to launch torpedoes and cruise missiles – let’s go ballistic!’  

–  ‘Er, we can’t go ballistic, sir.’  

‘What are you talking about, Sunak?’  

–  ‘None of the weapons systems is working, sir. Unable Seaman ‘Wonky’ Williamson left all the fuses on Westminster Pier.’  

‘That stupid boy! Well, we’ll have to outrun the Pink October. Engineering Officer Shapps, give me full power.’  

–  ‘I can only give you two knots, sir.’  

‘Two knots? But we’ve got a bloody big nuclear-fission engine in the back!’  

–  ‘You’re forgetting, sir. You replaced the nuclear engine with a sewage composter motor during our last refit, to conform to your Net Zero agenda. I told you it was a load of s**t, but you insisted.’  

‘Blimey! Better get piling on the poo then. Yes, Petty Officer Raab, what is it now?’  

–  ‘Incoming, sir! The Pink October’s launched a SuperBore drone torpedo! Will we be blown to smithereens?’

‘No, Raab, the SuperBore is a much more fiendish weapon than that. It’ll circle our submarine and blast us with recordings of Keir Starmer’s speeches on a loop. After hearing him droning on and on for a few hours, we’ll all lose the will to live. We’d better surface and surrender. Off you go.’  

–  ‘But aren’t you coming, sir?’  

‘No, Raab, a captain always goes up with his ship.’  

– ‘Don’t you mean down, sir?’  

‘No, up. It’s the doctrine of MAD.’  

–  ‘Mutually Assured Destruction?’  

‘No, Raab. Mutually Assured Distinction. We might be enemies, but we captains of politics always look after one another. After Starmer has beaten us, you lot will be jobless, but there’ll be nice cushy berth in the Lords waiting for me. Ermine ahoy!’  

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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