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We used to know how to deal with Johnny Foreigner


TCW Defending Freedom has seen a copy of a letter sent to his constituents from Our Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966. He is an Assistant Under Secretary at the Department for Transport.

My Dear Friends

Once again I must apologise for taking so long to update you on the important work your representative has been undertaking in Westminster. For several months (it seems longer) I have been having in-depth discussions with interested parties about the location of charging points for the electric milk carts that are being imposed on us all in the hope that polar bears can enjoy lounging on larger ice floes. 

There was a brief respite from these tedious discussions when the Electric Vehicle Motor Manufacturers’ Association invited me and my secretary, Catherine, to their annual awards ceremony in Monte Carlo. I regret to say that the place is not what it was. It seems to be inhabited by the type of people who have made their fortune selling timeshare properties to drunken tourists. The few who bother to perambulate seem only to want to show off their ostentatious jewellery or cosmetic surgery. There is barely a dinner jacket to be seen. I urge you to avoid at all costs.

You may have heard about the goings-on in Eastern Europe. For those of you who have been wisely avoiding the news, a diminutive Russian cove with shifty eyes, by the name of Putin, has ordered his troops to invade the Ukraine. By all accounts the defenders have been terribly plucky and heaven only knows what will happen next. Our new head girl, Truss of the FO, keeps bleating on about sending all manner of blankets, toiletries, money and armaments to the Ukrainians but she is clearly out of her depth. By all accounts her Russian counterpart, an old goat called Lavrov, thought the Prime Minister had sent his children’s nanny when she went to Moscow to warn against the invasion. 

It is clear to me that the cause of our hopeless and hapless diplomacy lies at the door of the Foreign Office. In my younger days they took on chaps whose family knew a thing or two about Johnny Foreigner. Now it seems the top bods in the FO all have PPEs from Oxford, a degree that is the equivalent of Media Studies for privileged wastrels. Anyway, from what I can gather the whole shebang has been orchestrated by the Yanks to cover up the Bidens’ dodgy dealings with bio-labs and assorted crooks in the Ukraine.

A few days ago all Members were required to convene in the House to watch an unprecedented video call from a hyperactive chap called Zelensky. Apparently, he is a comedian who was the CIA’s choice to be the Ukrainian President. It seems to be a jolly well-paid job as it is reported that he has nearly a billion dollars in the bank. However, we put our reservations to one side and gave the fellow a rousing round of applause, as you might for a child playing Silent Night for the first time on his recorder.

I must add that my family has a mixed history in dealings with the Russian Bear. A distant relative was a surgeon during the Crimean War. Unfortunately, during the battle of Inkerman he lost an arm. To be more accurate he misplaced it, and when it was retrieved it was too late to reattach it to the brave but unfortunate fusilier from Lancashire. On a brighter note my grandfather used to regale us with many happy anecdotes about his exploits in the back streets of Petrograd during an abortive mission to help the doomed White Russians.

Sadly the kerfuffle in Europe has caused the price of fuel to soar. Our young Chancellor, Sunak, seems quite relaxed about this as over half the cost of a gallon goes to the Exchequer. He no doubt sees it as another step on the misbegotten road to Net Zero when very few of you will be able to own a car. 

I am aware that the cost of energy is causing hardship to many. As ever, I will do what I can to help. I have instructed my gamekeepers, Mellors and Jorrocks, not to shoot at anyone who wishes to forage for firewood, fungi and edible leaves on the Tittleham Estates. However, should you wish to do so, please prominently display a white flag for identification purposes.

To finish on a happier note, Lady Veronica informs me that she has been busy baking cup-cakes adorned with blue and yellow icing for the Upper Tittleham Women’s Institute’s fundraiser in aid of stray Ukrainian dogs. I am told that Mrs Edith Pomfret, their Secretary, has already offered to home a distraught Weimaraner seen wandering in the ruins of Mariupol. I shall, of course be supporting the event, and hope you will join me there to raise a glass or two to give moral support to the poor mutts, not to mention the valiant defenders of Kiev.

Your servant

Sir Charles Chatterton MP

Tittleham Hall

Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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