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We worked with Harry and Meghan – and lived to tell the tale

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HARRY and Meghan have been much in the news lately, but what of those they left behind? They call themselves the ‘Sussex Survivors Club’: dedicated individuals who sacrificed their careers to make the couple what they are today. 

The Conservative Woman has managed to track some of them down. These are their stories:

Edward de la Mouton

Whizkid Edward, who has a first in PPE, is from the well-known Swiss banking family, Mouton Rothschild. He has known Harry from his playboy days and was employed to keep an eye on security and finances.

‘As M was attending a charity tombola at a refuge for battered Somalian Trans in Stepney, H asked me to invite some of the guys from the Blues and Royals round for lunch at Frogmore. Inevitably things got a bit hairy, and after several bottles of Veuve Clicquot Yellow were dispatched, we somehow found ourselves playing a particularly energetic game of high cockalorum during the course of which a fair amount of damage was inflicted upon the Teletubbies room. Despite the fact that she had won a tin of pilchards, M went understandably ballistic when she saw the devastation. As I slunk out with the boys I could hear the sound of raised voices and smashing crockery from the kitchen. 

‘You’d be amazed to know how hard it is to source a new purple and yellow small train.

‘Following that incident I noticed a change in H.’

Edward no longer works for Harry and has an import-export business commuting between Florida, the Caribbean and Colombia.

Sally Wasperton

Before becoming part of the Sussexes’ entourage, Sally was a senior civil servant charged with sourcing the 300GW of electricity required by the Government’s ‘Net Zero’ pledge. She became a PA for the Duchess after recovering from a bout of panic attacks. Sally had responsibility for the Duchess’s hats. 

‘When I took the job I was aware that there had been a bit of a contretemps concerning the tiara the Duchess was to wear for her wedding, but ever since I was a toddler I’ve had a fascination with headwear and was delighted to take the post. It was my role to advise the Duchess about the appropriate hat to wear for her public appearances. For a visit to a charity auction for Homeless Beavers I suggested she wore a women’s Barbour to fit in with the country vibe. Imagine my horror when I learnt that Kate was present, and that her hat adviser had suggested the exact same headwear. Although I could see that Meghan was fuming on her return to Kensington Palace, she did not say anything. The following morning I was called to see her. As she played with her goji berries I could see that she was seething. Without a word being spoken I knew that my days as her hat adviser were over.’

Sally now lives in a tent under the M40 in Hammersmith and shouts obscenities at Uber drivers.

Gemma Grizedale

The tough-talking no-nonsense Northerner was for six months head honcho in HR for the Sussexes. Previously she worked for an international investment bank scouring the world for the most venal and avaricious hedge fund managers, but nothing could have prepared her for the challenges she faced in her new role. 

‘Despite a significant pay cut, I applied for the role in order to give something back to society. I thought nothing could be harder than pinning down arrogant, misogynistic, materialistic hyenas, but I was wrong. In my short time with the Sussexes I recall employing nine or ten new PAs. The average length of stay was five weeks and two days.

‘Recruitment was a nightmare. As well as the usual security checks I had to filter out Harry’s exes, and investigate whether any of the applicants’ forebears had any connections to the slave trade or the performing arts; inevitably many did. Several women were rejected because they were too pretty, some because they had a better singing voice than the Duchess and one because she had never heard of Rachel Zane. Those who we did employ tended to be rejects from Norland College, the nanny school. Every new recruit had to serve an excruciating induction period which involved watching every episode of Suits.’

Gemma talked to us with the kind permission of Mother Superior at the Sacred Heart Convent in Worthing.

Poppy Simpering-Twist 

Poppy had hoped to become a nanny but joined the Sussex staff after volunteering at Battersea Dogs’ Home. 

She spent three unhappy weeks at Kensington Palace. 

‘One day as I brought the Duchess her usual yak-based coconut yoghurt, I noticed her gazing at a stunning pair of diamond earrings that were a gift from Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. It was soon after the Crown Prince had been implicated in the death of a reporter in Turkey. Later that day, whilst I was on the phone to my friend Tiggy, she must have overheard me talking about the earrings and saying it was probably not wise to wear them at that moment. An hour later I was summoned to her office. “One is not to be told what one wears on one’s ears,” she blurted as I entered the room. “One’s forebears were forever being told what to wear, where to sit, what to think, and one will not stand for it! One does not tolerate racism in any shape or form, and one no longer requires your services.” 

‘On leaving the room I burst into tears. I phoned my friend Tom who was holding an illegal rave on a yacht near Monte, but he said he could not talk because several spaced-out guests had jumped into the Med and were about to drown.’

Poppy is undergoing treatment at the Priory, and hopes to return to the Jack Russell section at Battersea Dogs’ Home in the near future.

Rachel Elizabeth Zane-Pearson-Hardman 

Rachel can only be described as a Suits super-fan. In an attempt to gain a job at Kensington Palace she changed her name (from David Smith), underwent hormone treatment, adopted a Californian accent, lost five stone, and spent hours in tanning salons. She can quote every line that Meghan said in the series from the first, ‘Mike Ross? Hi! I’m Rachel Zane’ to the last, ‘I do’.

She applied for several jobs in the Sussex household including shoe consultant, food taster, aura enhancer and window cleaner, but failed to gain an interview.

Rachel is undaunted in her quest to work for Meghan, and whilst working as a bouncer at a test and trace centre she is making plans to move to Los Angeles to pursue her dream.

She balked at the suggestion that she is a ‘Survivor’, telling our reporter, ‘I am a fighter. If you don’t have dreams, what do you have?’  

Other members of staff who were approached declined to comment.

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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