Friday, July 19, 2024
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We’re in the money!


SOME of us, I guess, were just born lucky. This morning I received the following email:

Dear Sir/ Madam,

Please forgive me if my request is not acceptable by your kind person.

My name is Nora Abd Manaf, I’m the Chief Human Capital Officer,Malayan Banking BHD (MAYBANK)& Personal accountant Officer to Late Mr.Hiroshi Suzuki, Citizen of Japan and Chief Executive Officer of Hoya Corp. Who died along with his entire family in magnitude 7.4 earthquake strikes Iwaki city on the coast of Fukushima on Tuesday that took the lives of 573 and more than 2,500 people are still reported missing.

I am writing to request your assistance in transferring the sum of Twenty Million United States Dollars ($ into your account as the Late Mr. Hiroshi Suzuki Foreign Business Partner for investment project under your management over there in your country.

Meanwhile I want you to understand that before I contacted you, I have done personal investigation in locating any of Late Mr. Hiroshi Suzuki relatives who knows about his account, but I came out unsuccessful.

I will like to bring to your notice that I have made all the necessary arrangements to transfer the funds through Online Banking Transfer into your account without any problem. I am willing to offer you 40% for your assistant, while 60% for my personal investment over there in your country.

I am urgently waiting for your reply for more details on how the fund will transfer to you.

Best Regards

Mrs. Nora Abd Manaf.

Blimey. She moves fast, doesn’t she? Mr. Hiroshi Suzuki dead barely a week and she has done personal investigation into locating his relatives, finding none. Quite why she thought of contacting me is a mystery, as I have no current ties with Japan apart from a sushi recipe book and some old hi-fi equipment. Still, she’s come to the right place. I am honest enough to keep her twelve million dollars safe while I trouser eight million, and have sent her my bank details to get things going. While waiting for the money to come through I have ordered a top-of-the-range BMW, a world cruise, a facelift and some socks.

I can confidently predict that when the dosh arrives Boris will form an electoral pact with Nigel, the BBC will announce that climate change is balderdash and the government will ban all talk of transgenderism in schools.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to chase a couple of winged pigs I saw zooming past the window.

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Alan Ashworth
Alan Ashworth
Alan Ashworth is a former national newspaper journalist now retreated to the Ribble Valley, where he grows cacti and tramps the fells. He and his wife Margaret run a website, A-M Records , which includes their collected TCW columns plus extra features including Tracks of the Day. Requests, queries and comments can be sent to

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