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Tuesday, July 23, 2024
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HomeElection WatchWhat will those daffy party leaders think of next?

What will those daffy party leaders think of next?

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As the General Election campaign reaches fever pitch, our intrepid political analyst has been scouring the country to report on the latest attempts by the party leaders to garner votes.

I CAUGHT up with Rishi Sunak on a beach near Dover. In redoubling his efforts to lose the election and relocate to California, he told me he was there to welcome the 50,000th boat person to have crossed the Channel since he became Prime Minister. The lucky migrant was Mr Hazratullah Saleem. He was one of 40 doctors and engineers who had squashed on to a dinghy to meet up with one of the RNLI’s people-smuggling lifeboats just off the French coast. Hazratullah had flown to Paris from Kabul and been given free transport to the coast by the French government. The new arrival said he was delighted to be met by the Prime Minister. He explained that he loved cricket and fish and chips, and had always wanted to come to the UK. In a short ceremony Sunak presented Mr Saleem with a golden keycard for a room in a five-star hotel in Kensington and a ticket for the next test match at Lord’s. Hazratullah expects to be joined by his wife and five children when he finds work as a delivery operative for Just Eat. 

Meanwhile, Sir Keir Starmer, sporting an array of Taylor Swift merchandise, took time out from describing his tough working-class roots as the son of a toolmaker to judge a drag queen competition. He was full of praise for triumphant Andrew Watson, aka Miss Trixibelle Wuwu, who is in the process of transitioning to become a pretend woman. After presenting the winner with the David Tennant Trophy he once again explained his position on what constitutes a woman. ‘My position is very straightforward. Yes, of course, trans women are women. On the other hand is that always true? Of course it is. Some might say not. Perhaps I agree with them. Maybe I don’t. Jimmy Savile would probably know this but sadly he’s no longer with us. I’m sure that has cleared up the matter once and for all.’

With the projected Labour vote collapsing, it is possible that Sir Keir may seek a coalition with the LibDems. Sir Ed Davey has been persevering in his attempt to conduct his entire campaign submerged in water. Yesterday, he was to be found in a paddling pool in the garden of a house in the suburbs of Solihull. Today he is planning to dive into a pond in Paignton, and the day after he is scheduled to be wallowing in a water butt in Kendal. A spokesperson for the party said: ‘Yes Ed has decided to embark on a largely amphibious campaign. The more often he is covered in water the less chance you journalists have to talk to him about our manifesto and his role in the Post Office Horizon scandal.’ 

Now that the reptilian smirk of the former Green Party leader Caroline Lucas is not gracing our screens, the cultists seem to be floundering in the polls. In a desperate attempt to win more votes they have turned to human sacrifice in an attempt to appease the ancient Egyptian gods of earth and sky, Geb and, appropriately, Nut. 

A spokesthing for the Greens, Li Blue Tit, of no fixed gender, told me that many party members had volunteered to be ritually slaughtered and they are currently interviewing the candidates. Li is hoping that Brighton Council will grant planning permission for the sacrifice. The disembowelling is expected to take place in the next few days at Ditchling Beacon. For those who are interested in supporting this event the postcode is BN6 8RJ. I am told there will be a variety of stalls selling delicious vegan delicacies and stylish clothes made from human hair.

Reform leader Nigel Farage has missed an ‘open goal’ and the support of millions of football fans by not demanding the immediate sacking and imprisonment of the epitome of diversity and bland mediocrity, Gareth Southgate. The £5million-a-year England manager has contrived to mould a group of superstars into a team that would struggle against a Sunday league pub side. 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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