Bill Gates has recently added to his extensive portfolio by buying a near $1billion stake in the Dutch brewer Heineken. In his quest for world domination, he already has stakes in a variety of organisations such as the WHO, GAVI, the media, universities, and pharmaceutical companies as well as owning 270,000 acres of farmland in the USA. It is rumoured that Gates has other significant investments in the pipeline. TCW Defending Freedom understands that these include . . .
Moloch
With the increasing popularity of evil, it was only a matter of time before Gates would be attracted to the business potential of the bull-headed deity which requires regular sacrificial offerings of children. However, a spokesdemon for Moloch played down the report, saying: ‘Moloch appreciates the interest from Mr Gates but has reservations about the ethical nature of his activities.’
A representative of Ba’al was equally dismissive and gave us this terse reply: ‘We are very conscious of our brand. Gates operates at a level of malevolence with which we do not wish to be associated.’
The goat-headed devil Baphomet was suspiciously unavailable for comment.
Gatesism
If his plan to invest in Moloch, Ba’al or Baphomet does not materialise, Gates has a backup plan for a new religion, Gatesism. He would become the Supreme Leader whilst Al Gore would be his Pope. The posturing prima donna of doom, the goblin of gloom, the Cassandra of calamity, Greta Thunberg, would be his principal spokesperson.
Adherents of Gatesism would be required to subject themselves to regular injections. They would adopt veganism and never stray from their 15-minute cities.
The moon
The 12 Americans who many believe briefly wandered around on the moon between 1969 and 1972 planted flags on the surface and thereby claimed the property for the United States. Colonialism is abhorrent to the current administration in Washington and, consequently, they are keen to offload the moon to whomsoever will take it on.
It is understood that Gates sees potential in the moon as a way to control tidal flows and thereby end the climate crisis. The sticking point seems to be his request for access to the technology which took the first astronauts there in 1969. NASA office workers are frantically looking for the files under mattresses, down the back of old sofas and behind filing cabinets, so far without success.
Air
For several years, Gates has been working with scientists to find ways to block the sun and make the world colder. This would deprive people of vitamin D and cause crops to fail, and fits with his desire to reduce the population of the planet to what he believes to be a sustainable level.
He is now negotiating with the United Nations for a controlling stake in the world’s air. Once he has a majority stake, everyone would be required to pay an annual air subscription. Failure to pay would have fatal consequences.
Rose-scented air containing nanoparticles of mRNA (Air Version 1.1) would be available for those with Premium subscriptions.
Politicians
Now that Labour’s Sir Keir Starmer is expected to lead his party to victory at the next general election with a majority in excess of 500, Gates has recently met him to stress the consequences of not supporting the Gates investment strategy.
We understand that Starmer fully endorses Gates’s desire to deindustrialise the United Kingdom. He also agreed that one of his first acts when in power will be to insist that school meals consist of Gates’s Farm Crispy Caterpillars and Gates’s Farm Crunchy Crickets.
Gates is already heavily invested in bumbling Boris Johnson’s never-ending roadshow, ‘Johnson’s Jolly Japes’, and Tricky Rishi Sunak’s ‘Government with No Talent’.
