Thursday, July 18, 2024
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When Boris met Ursula


A TRANSCRIPT of the conversation between Boris Johnson and EU Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen during their Brexit trade deal dinner date in Brussels on Wednesday has been leaked . . .   

‘Soup, Boris?’  

 ‘No thanks, Ursula, I’m in the soup already with the Brexit hardliners. They’ve warned me not to agree a sell-out. Now then, why won’t you accept the UK’s proposed trade deal?’  

‘It’s scallops.’  

 ‘Hold on, there’s no need to use language like that.’  

‘No, Boris, I mean the starter has arrived – scallops.’  

– ‘Oh, I see. And what’s for mains?’  


– ‘Is this a rather unsubtle hint about fishing rights?’  

‘My cod, no! Fishing had no plaice in my thoughts, because I knew you’d carp about that and clam up. My sole wish is to get a deal, which would be brill. We don’t want the negotiations to flounder and if you do make concessions, there’ll be a squid pro quo. It’ll be the prawn of a new era.’  

  ‘So no mention of fishing then. Good. Ah, here comes the turbot.’  

‘Yes. As you can see, it’s been very nicely sliced, like a level playing field. But I’d leave a transition period for it to cool down a little.’  

  ‘Okay. I’ll have the wasabi with it.’  

‘I’ll get the waiter to stir the wasabi a little. It’s important to retain freedom of movement. Now, what about the vegetables?’*  

  ‘Oh, I’m keeping the Cabinet informed of our talks.’  

‘And the potatoes?’  

– ‘The Irish as well.’  

‘Would you like pudding, Boris? We have Pavlova with exotic fruit and coconut sorbet.’ 

– ‘Sorry, did you say cocoa sorbet?’  

‘No, coconut. That’s nut … nut.’  

– ‘What? Is Carrie here?’  

‘No, Boris. Now, would you like something from the cheese board? We have Brie, Gorgonzola, Roquefort, Gouda and Edam.’  

  ‘Hmm. I’d prefer a good old English cheese. Do you have any extra-mature Cheddar?’  

‘I’m afraid not. We find it rather British for our tastes.’  

 ‘Ah, you mean robust and uncompromising?’  

‘No, Boris, hard to swallow. Waiter, the bill, please.’  

  ‘No, Ursula, I’ll get this.’  

‘That’ll be £39billion, please sir.’  

  ‘Er, are you doing Eat Out to Help Out?’  

*With acknowledgements to Spitting Image for one of the great jokes of all time.

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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