A TRANSCRIPT of the conversation between Boris Johnson and EU Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen during their Brexit trade deal dinner date in Brussels on Wednesday has been leaked . . .
‘Soup, Boris?’
– ‘No thanks, Ursula, I’m in the soup already with the Brexit hardliners. They’ve warned me not to agree a sell-out. Now then, why won’t you accept the UK’s proposed trade deal?’
‘It’s scallops.’
– ‘Hold on, there’s no need to use language like that.’
‘No, Boris, I mean the starter has arrived – scallops.’
– ‘Oh, I see. And what’s for mains?’
‘Turbot.’
– ‘Is this a rather unsubtle hint about fishing rights?’
‘My cod, no! Fishing had no plaice in my thoughts, because I knew you’d carp about that and clam up. My sole wish is to get a deal, which would be brill. We don’t want the negotiations to flounder and if you do make concessions, there’ll be a squid pro quo. It’ll be the prawn of a new era.’
– ‘So no mention of fishing then. Good. Ah, here comes the turbot.’
‘Yes. As you can see, it’s been very nicely sliced, like a level playing field. But I’d leave a transition period for it to cool down a little.’
– ‘Okay. I’ll have the wasabi with it.’
‘I’ll get the waiter to stir the wasabi a little. It’s important to retain freedom of movement. Now, what about the vegetables?’*
– ‘Oh, I’m keeping the Cabinet informed of our talks.’
‘And the potatoes?’
– ‘The Irish as well.’
‘Would you like pudding, Boris? We have Pavlova with exotic fruit and coconut sorbet.’
– ‘Sorry, did you say cocoa sorbet?’
‘No, coconut. That’s nut … nut.’
– ‘What? Is Carrie here?’
‘No, Boris. Now, would you like something from the cheese board? We have Brie, Gorgonzola, Roquefort, Gouda and Edam.’
– ‘Hmm. I’d prefer a good old English cheese. Do you have any extra-mature Cheddar?’
‘I’m afraid not. We find it rather British for our tastes.’
– ‘Ah, you mean robust and uncompromising?’
‘No, Boris, hard to swallow. Waiter, the bill, please.’
– ‘No, Ursula, I’ll get this.’
‘That’ll be £39billion, please sir.’
– ‘Er, are you doing Eat Out to Help Out?’
*With acknowledgements to Spitting Image for one of the great jokes of all time.
