‘GOOD evening and welcome to our special BBC show, Who Wants to Beeb a Millionaire?, hosted by me, Tim “The D-G” Davie. Tonight in the hot seat, hoping to get up to that magic million-pound payday, we have Gary, from Leicester. Hi, Gary.’
– ‘Hi, Tim.’
‘Right, Gary, here’s your starter for £200,000. Were the millions who voted for Brexit in 2016 morons, imbeciles, idiots or cretins?’
– ‘All four.’
‘Correct! Now for the £400,000 question. What is the surname of the Premier League’s top scorer? Is it Sharer, Scarer, Shearer or Shirer?’
‘Hmm. Tough one that, Tim. I’m phoning a friend – Alan, from Newcastle. Won’t be a second . . . Okay, Al, thanks. Why-aye to you as well. Bye. Well, Tim, the answer’s Shearer.’
‘Well done, Gary! And now on to the £600,000 question. What is Britain’s favourite brand of potato crisps? Is it Talkers, Forkers, Stalkers or Walkers?’
– ‘Walkers, of course. I just love their new Wokey Bacon flavour!’
‘Spot on, Gary! And here comes question four, to win you £800,000. Who brought fish and chips to Britain? Was it Harry Ramsden, the Little Mermaid, Captain Birdseye, or some immigrant or other?’
– ‘Some immigrant or other.’
‘That’s right! Now for the million-pound question. Which of these trains is the most comfortable? The Japanese Bullet Train, the Trans-Siberian Express, the London-Edinburgh Sleeper, or the BBC Gravy Train?’
‘Hmm. Can I use my 50-50 lifeline?’
‘Okay. Computer, take away two wrong answers. And we’re left with the Japanese Bullet Train and the BBC Gravy Train.’
‘Hmm. Let me see, the bullet train gets you there fast. But once you’re on the BBC Gravy Train, you keep gently rolling along in luxury year after year. My answer is the BBC Gravy Train!’
‘Correct! You’ve won a million pounds! Now for a bonus question to win an extra £750,000. Which of these are you most likely to find in a £4million mansion? A Swarovski chandelier, a Rococo chest of drawers, a Persian rug or a refugee?’
– ‘A refugee. Definitely. Every home should have one.’
‘Brilliant! Gary, you’re walking away tonight with £1,750,000. Oh, just a second, there’s a lot of coughing coming from the audience. We’ve had trouble with that in the past – contestants cheating.
‘Ah, wait a minute. Our security people are telling me it’s just the British public choking with anger at the size of BBC salaries. They’ve been ejected from the studio, the ungrateful swine. Congratulations, Gary!’
