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Who won what at the Fauci Awards, by our man in Wuhan


TCW Defending Freedom has learnt that the World Economic Forum, in association with the Chinese Communist Party, presented their WEF Covid-19 Awards, the ‘Faucis’, at a glittering ceremony held at the Wuhan Institute of Virology earlier this month. The event was hosted by His Excellency Herr Klaus Schwab, whose introduction included some typical Teutonic humour about different types of sausage and his rendition of a compilation of songs from Ride of the Valkyries. The awards were presented by Doctor Anthony Fauci.

Best TikTok dancers 

The nominations were: The Tallulah Bankhead Memorial Hospital, Huntsville, Alabama; The Morecambe NHS Asymptomatic Testing Centre; The Josef Mengele Institute, Leipzig.

And the winner was . . . The Morecambe NHS Asymptomatic Testing Centre.

‘We thought long and hard about our routines. Many people thought our version of the dance in Dirty Dancing to the song The Time of My Life was our best performance but everyone else was doing that. I think what clinched it for us was our selection of dances from the Ziegfeld Follies movies. We dedicate our award to all in the NHS family (except the unvaccinated)’.

Most Influential Statistician 

The nominations were: Neil Ferguson; Professor Neil Ferguson; Professor Pantsdown. 

And the winner was . . . Neil Ferguson.

‘During my 300,000-mile trip here, I did reflect upon my contribution to the pandemic and the amazing accuracy of my predictions. I can think of 10,000 reasons for my statistical prowess but none of it would have been properly acknowledged were it not for the unwavering support of the 2,000 members of Sage. The number of Sage members might well have doubled since I arrived here.’

Most Glum Covid Face 

The nominations were: Sir Keir Starmer; Sir Christopher Whitty; Dame Jenny Harries.

And the winner was . . . Sir Christopher Whitty.

‘Some are born glum, some achieve glumness, and some have glumness thrust upon them. In my case I believe it is a mixture of all three. When I was a child people would ask me if I was all right and, as I grew older, ‘has your dog died?’ I have tried smiling but it hurts my cheeks. Although I do not show it in my facial expression or tone of voice, I am delighted to win my Fauci. Anthony has always been my hero. This award will have pride of place on my mantelpiece alongside my collection of unusual pencils.

Most Compliant Politician

The nominations were: Boris Johnson; Emmanuel Macron; Joe Biden.

And the winner is . . . Joe Biden

‘It is a great honour to receive this Oscar. I would like to thank the 50million people of the United Parcels of America who voted for me and those who worked tirelessly to fill in another 31million ballot papers. I would especially like to thank my fellow actor Carmela Harrison for her role as a hyena in The Lion King, and my wife Jill without whose help I wouldn’t be able to learn my lines and put on the appropriate costume.’

Most Pro-active Politician

The nominations were: Justin Trudeau; Jacinda Ardern; Dan Andrews.

And the winner was . . . Jacinda Ardern

‘When I had the crazy idea that New Zealand could keep out the virus, I was quite honestly surprised at the support I got from all quarters. I knew that we had a lot of sheep in the country but I had no idea how many there were. Even now that the little germ is everywhere, and I keep imposing pointless lockdowns, lots of people still think I’m great. So bring on the next variant, I say.’

Best Crisis Actor 

The nominations were: Henry Dyne; Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite; Boris Johnson.

And the winner was . . . Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite.

[By Zoom] ‘So sorry I can’t be with you in Wuhan tonight, darlings, but the good people of Chiswick are still reluctant to leave their homes, and the vegetable samosas with curry sauce won’t deliver themselves. This award is a great honour and as dear, dear Dame Judi said to me when she came to Rada to present the award for the Best Delivery of the Words “A handbag” from Earnest: “Dear boy, life sometimes throws you rose petals when you are expecting thorns”. Another reason I can’t be with you is that I have an audition tomorrow for the part of a Royal Navy nuclear submarine captain. He has to decide whether to take the jab and keep his job or nuke Moscow and Saint Petersburg in frustration.’

Most Ridiculous Mandate 

The nominations were: Face Masks (Matt Hancock); Banning Exercise (Mark Drakeford); Taping Park Benches (Nicola Sturgeon).

And the winner was . . . Banning Exercise (Mark Drakeford).

‘I’m not being funny or anything, but truth to tell, most Welsh people don’t really like exercise, and the imposition of curfews and the banning of golf and park runs was probably a relief to most of my compatriots. Not only that but because of our strict mask mandates, excessive exercise could be quite dangerous. Diolch yn fawr iawn for giving me this, Dr Fauci, it really is lush.’

Most Supportive Media Outlet 

The nominations were: BBC; CNN; Daily Mail.

And the winner was . . . the BBC.

‘Gratifying as it is to win a Fauci, we here at the world’s greatest broadcaster cannot hide our horror and dismay that the government we have supported so assiduously during the past two years now wants to stab us in the back and freeze the licence fee. How will we be able to fly David Attenborough and his team to the ends of the earth to describe the ravages of climate change, and how can we keep outstanding talent like our Director of Creative Diversity, June Sarpong, to whom we pay a miserly £267,000 a year for her demanding three-day week, if our income does not increase?’

Most Bio-Fascist Country 

The nominations were: Austria; Australia; Germany.

And the winner was . . . Australia.

‘I am proud to accept this Fauci on behalf of the people of Australia. Throw a celebratory prawn on the barbie, mates! It was not easy to beat countries with such strong traditions of fascism and it is amazing to think what we have achieved in so short a time. I would just like to give a shout out to Justin Trudeau and the people of Canada who I think deserved at least to have been nominated.’

Best Trade Union  

The nominations were: Unison; RMT; NEU.

And the winner was . . . the National Education Union. 

‘We at the NEU felt that it was a great opportunity to further our ambition to create a society of compliant, scarcely educated children who will be willing drones in the New World Order. The icing on the cake was the recent capitulation of the British government when we insisted on children wearing ridiculous face masks for seven hours each day. Although this instruction has been withdrawn, don’t throw your masks away yet, kids!’

At the raucous party that followed the ceremony, there was wild applause when the Director of the Wuhan Institute, Dr Pan Go Lin, announced the release of a new Bat Out of Hell variant which he promised would be far more deadly than the deeply disappointing Omicron.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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