LOVERS of lockdown – I get it. You love your new life and don’t want to leave it. But the end is coming soon. When I see those opinion polls that have about 70 per cent supporting the lockdown and wanting an extension, 40 per cent of those strongly supporting it, I think to myself: Just who are these people?
Sure, some of those are frightened, cowering as they are like dogs in a kennel, afraid that the big bad germs will come to get them.
Others no doubt are the slackers, enjoying being paid to do nothing. Many still are the risk-averse women, who I am told are now lovers of Boris Johnson. Can’t get enough of Daddy, it seems, telling them stay at home and save ‘Our NHS, Peace Be Upon It’.
Then there are the snitchers (200,000 of them), the social distancing shammers and the ever authoritarian wokesters who have now been given a licence to shout ‘stay at home or else you will kill people’. This is a toxic mix, for sure.
However, as Rod Liddle points out, there are a lot of people for which normal life is a misery, the commuting on the filthy Tube, the jobs people don’t really like, and the overpriced restaurants. Now these people get paid to take the dog for a walk through beautiful woodland and spend some time with the children, and they quite like it. In fact, they love this all-inclusive, government-paid-for staycation and they want it to continue.
Well, lovers of lockdown, I tell you your lockdown life is my normal life which has now gone up in smoke. I want the lockdown to end so I can get back the life you now love, and you can go back to the hideous commute and stupid office meetings. You get to read ‘all those books you never had a chance to read before’ – well, that’s what I did, at around 2-3pm on the school day after I had done the housework, prepared a nice dinner (not a ready meal from M&S) and taken the dog for a walk through the lovely woodland.
Lockdown lovers have now realised the sublime loveliness of cleaning one’s own house, sorting through the drawers and doing the odd jobs – again, I did that usually between about 11-12, just before lunch which was made and not some horrible sandwich picked up from Pret.
This was the first year in ten years of being a stay-at-home mum when all my children were in school full time. Finally, I could go to the toilet on my own, listen to a podcast without picking Lego out of someone’s throat, and go for a run. And then came Boris Johnson. Then came the lockdown and now I am back to having them all at home, all the time, and I have the added benefit of home-schooling all three. In truth, I don’t mind this too much, but once they stole tennis off me part of me died and I don’t think will ever recover.
Then there is the husband, gazing around the house looking for DIY jobs to do. Why, only the other day he came in with a ‘new set of rollers’ so he could ‘paint one of the kids’ rooms’. And I ask myself, haven’t I suffered enough? Still, when the inevitable DIY accident occurs there will be plenty of room in the NHS hospitals to patch him up.
So, I tell you most solemnly, I have had enough. Can you all please end your charmed lockdown life and go back to work so I can return to my charmed non-lockdown life? You chose the commute, you wanted the double-income family with all the pressure and stress that it brings. Now go back on your filthy Tube and leave me to walk the dog and do the school run. I’ve had enough.