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Tuesday, April 16, 2024
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Woke, woker, wokest

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IN an attempt to outdo the National Trust in wokery, English Heritage has revealed that Hadrian’s Wall symbolises LGBT history. An email to supporters says that it is ‘linked to England’s queer history’ because of the relationship between Hadrian and his lover Antinous.

TCW has exclusively discovered that the historians at English Heritage have found other links to support their assertion. 

They now believe the fortification was built to deter the notoriously heterosexual Picts from contaminating the Roman Empire. Their archaeologists claim to have discovered the outline of slogans daubed on the Wall’s north-facing ramparts which read, ‘heterosexuals non voluerunt’, ‘gay sumus, fac cum eo’ (We are gay, deal with it), and ‘in pictis odor stercus’ (The Picts smell of dung).

At English Heritage’s Birdoswald Roman Fort, visitors can see what is believed to be remnants of one of the first Roman Empire Pride Rainbow flags and a pendant with the inscription ‘Julius amat Crixus’.

A spokesperson said: ‘For far too long the National Trust has claimed that it is the wokest charity in town. It is time we responded. I think this announcement will send them the message that you can’t mess with English Heritage.’

The National Trust immediately retaliated by designating all its properties as symbols of England’s colonial past, in particular their involvement with the slave trade. 

English Heritage upped the ante, declaring that all the ruined ancient abbeys under its stewardship were hotbeds of Satanic ritual and that September will be Lucifer Awareness Month with re-enactments of devil worship, including human sacrifice.

The National Trust replied with a plan to demolish all its properties with links to the exploitation of the English working class. Its spokesperson told us: ‘Really! English Heritage are rather pathetic, aren’t they? There is no way they can compete with our wokeness.’

A spokesperson for the Royal National Lifeboat Institution scoffed when asked if it was falling behind other charities in its desire to be woke. ‘Don’t make me laugh. We’ll talk about that when they have ferried tens of thousands of illegal aliens into Kent. Quite frankly, we are far and away the kings of woke.’

We have now heard that, in a largely unreported move, the Lake District National Park will be closed to white people during August. Executives said they regret the restriction but believe that it is necessary to make people of colour feel more welcome. They added that the inherent white supremacy of most of its traditional visitors is a deterrent to non-whites. Wales is expected to follow suit for the entirety of 2025. 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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