Tuesday, April 23, 2024
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Wombleton takes the lead in saving the planet


Call to action by Wombleton Parish Councillors

AS community thought leaders, Parish Councillors must take the lead in the fight against the greatest crisis humanity has ever faced – the climate catastrophe caused entirely by manmade additions of a trace gas, CO2. We must follow the science, which is indisputably settled. Authoritative computer modelling by world-class Imperial College London predicts we only have 90 days to save Wombleton from becoming a mosquito-infested swamp, and possibly only another 90 days to save the entire planet.

First, some fun facts

Britain’s 68million people and industry produce 1.16 per cent of global manmade CO2 emissions. Wombleton’s 1,200 population contributes around 0.0000001 per cent of this. Together we can SMASH Wombleton’s carbon footprint down to 0.00000000001 per cent of global contribution. A huge achievement and at so little cost to our standard of living, prosperity, jobs, liberty and freedom.   

Climate Catastrophe 11.5 point Action Plan

1 Raising awareness and fact-finding

Parish Councillors must carry out an urgent fact-finding mission to investigate the catastrophic sea level rise and its devastating impact on the Caribbean luxury hotels industry. Councillors agree that the 1mm sea level rise in the last 100 years should alarm every one of us into taking positive action. There may be some ignorant residents who will see the mission as an excuse for a free holiday, but most will see this use of funds as well spent and will value our dynamic and forward-looking approach.

2 Rename St Peter’s Village Hall to St Greter’s

The climate scientist, meteorologist and nearly Nobel prize-winner Greta Thunberg is a huge inspiration for the world’s young people. We must ignore the cynics who say she is a useful idiot for the global elite/mega corporations to make billions and governments to tax and control us. How dare they! And it only needs a two-letter change – so eco!

3 Ban all diesel and petrol vehicles

Internal combustion engines may have created the modern world and raised hundreds of millions out of poverty, but we are now entering a new world of unlimited cheap sustainable green clean energy and a golden future for all mankind. Anyone can now buy a very practical electric car with a massive 100-mile range for under £100,000, which demolishes the tired argument that they are just toys for virtue-signalling rich people. Wombleton can play its small but not insignificant part in this move away from the past.

4 Ban all woodburners, gas and oil stoves

WPC must set up a fast action response team (can anyone think of a punchy acronym?) to identify non-compliant residents who stubbornly refuse to replace their CO2-spewing stoves with greener heating. We must re-educate these people by naming and shaming them. Retrofitting a house with heat pumps and larger radiators or underfloor heating will cost a measly £50,000, and to demonstrate WPC’s serious commitment to the green transition I propose we give a subsidy of £2 per household.

5 Climate catastrophe hotline

Set up a phone hotline for children and residents to inform on parents and neighbours who deny the inescapable truth of the manmade climate catastrophe and refuse to give up fossil fuel-powered lawnmowers.

6 Install wind turbines at the end of every street

Wind turbines will be a big part of the future green energy supply mix. Ignorant climate deniers imply that electricity bills will treble, we will have daily power cuts, no one will be able to sleep because of the infrasound, thousands of bats and birds will die, houses will be unsaleable and there will be more premature deaths of older people due to hypothermia and fuel poverty. This is scaremongering far-right nonsense! Anyway, old people have had their lives and they need to be a lot less SELFISH and think of the planet!

7 Euthanise all pets

Dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs, gerbils, hamsters, budgies and other unnecessary pet animals exhale huge quantities of planet-killing CO2 and methane. We are not insensitive and recognise that some owners may be upset at having their pets killed, but we are facing a crisis which needs radical actions and personal sacrifice. This will be a net positive to the parish finances as we will not have to empty dog waste bins.

8 New green jobs

Wombleton will become the Saudi Arabia of renewables at the heart of the green jobs revolution. Computer models developed by experts at Imperial College London confidently predict at least 100,000 new highly paid green jobs for Wombleton. (Note: In conversation with residents do not mention the enormous offshore Seagreen project in the North Sea where all 114 turbines were awarded to Chinese and UAE yards.) 

9 Convert more productive grade A farmland to solar farms

The contaminated land and loss of food production will be more than offset by increasing output at the Wombleton Cockroach and Dung Beetle Facility to manufacture tasty food from insects.

10 Demand Chinese compliance

Wombleton Parish Councillors are not xenophobic Little Englanders and fully understand that the climate catastrophe requires concerted global action, so we DEMAND that the Chinese Communist Party immediately stop building ten gas-fired power stations a minute and convert to pedal-powered electricity generation. If they refuse we won’t hesitate to impose tough sanctions including a parish-wide embargo on all Chinese-made goods.

11 Punitive carbon taxes
Wombleton Parish Council reserves the right to impose punitive taxes on all carbon-based organisms within our boundaries. Silicon-based life forms may apply for an exemption provided they can produce a recent utility bill.

11.5 Increase the parish precept by a mere 1,000 per cent
Securing our future net zero and saving mother Gaia isn’t cost-free.

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Henry Charles-Urquhart
Henry Charles-Urquhart
Henry Charles-Urquhart is vice chairperson of Wombleton Parish Council.

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