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HomeNewsWooed with a bag of cheese-and-onion: The Tory turncoats’ stories

Wooed with a bag of cheese-and-onion: The Tory turncoats’ stories


A new BBC documentary, The Defectors, tells the story of three intrepid individuals who have managed to escape from the collapsing Tory regime, a nasty tyranny which has terrorised the nation for the last 14 years. 

MARK L recalls the day he became involved with the brutal organisation. ‘I had attended a drinks party with some old friends in the City. We started talking about how awful the country was and the price of avocados in Waitrose. My mate Jake, who does something with hedge funds, suggested that I should stand for Parliament. He bet me a case of Bolly that I couldn’t do it. Never one to pass on a dare, I rang up a chap at the Conservative Party, told him a load of guff about the need for diversity, levelling up and the like and before I knew it I was the candidate for some Godforsaken dump up north. There was no one more surprised than me when I was elected to Parliament on 2019! Since then I have had to suffer the indignity of being bossed around by thugs and twerps and spout out all sorts of nonsense. 

‘The escape to the Labour Party was a massive release. I have always been in favour of higher taxes, mass immigration and faster Net Zero and I regard Sir Keir Starmer as a cross between Superman and Moses who will lead the nation to sunlit uplands.’

Natalie E’s ‘Pauline’ conversion was even more remarkable. ‘I had always thought that the Labour Party was full of inadequates. I must say my time in the Commons did not disabuse me of such feelings. I was confronted every week by a baying mob of badly dressed former social workers and so-called “health professionals”. As a group, they reminded me of the most distressing cases at my local day-care centre. As far as policies were concerned they had none. All they could do was carp and moan. It was clear to me that their main aim was to rejoin the despicable European Union. 

‘However, now that the election is approaching I realise I was rather hasty in my judgment. Their marvellous leader, the charismatic Sir Keir, approached me in Annie’s Bar and offered to buy me a G and T and a packet of cheese-and-onion crisps. He told me of his struggles as the son of a humble toolmaker and the compassion he displayed to suspected paedophiles. In the space of a few minutes I realised what a fool I had been to think badly of the kind and gentle Labour Party. I immediately cut up my Conservative Party membership card and chucked my little oak tree badge into the Thames. Sir Keir was my saviour and he will save the nation! Praise the Lord, hallelujah!’

Doctor Dan P is another daring escapee. His deep convictions about the NHS prompted his move. ‘When I was selected for the evil Conservative Party, I thought I could make a difference. However, it quickly became clear to me that their only policy was the complete destruction of our beloved NHS. Unless we double or triple the amount we spend on the NHS, the system will collapse. I could not stand idly by and be implicated in this travesty. I firmly believe that the incoming Labour government will do what is required and raise the pay of us underpaid doctors. They realise that were it not for our sacrifice, the pandemic would have wiped out the entire population in 2020.’

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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