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Saturday, April 13, 2024
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HomeNewsYour crumbling concrete needs YOU!

Your crumbling concrete needs YOU!

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IN accordance with its commitments to the World Economic Forum, and mindful of the need to continue its mission to Build Back Better, the Department for Business and Trade is seeking applications for roles as Concrete Marshals.

Responsibilities

Concrete Marshals will be required to identify buildings in which non-compliant reinforced autoclaved aerated concrete (aka RAAC or Con23) is present or may be asymmetrically affected.

On finding such establishments, Concrete Marshals will have statutory powers to take immediate action to condemn the premises and ensure that they are appropriately distanced from other buildings.

Individuals who use or visit these premises will be instructed to work from home unless their home is infected by Con23. Should this be the case the individuals concerned will be allocated a tent.

All buildings found to contain RAAC are to be condemned. Contracts for rebuilding will be given without competitive tender to ‘fast-tracked’ government donors (with or without concrete experience) on a first-come-first-served basis.

Qualifications 

The posts require no formal qualifications, but a familiarity with Apple Crumble or Aero bars will be an advantage, as will previous experience as a Covid Marshal or Just Stop Oil activist.

Salary 

Reimbursement will reflect the importance of the roles. Successful applicants will be exempt from ULEZ charges in the course of their duties. Bonuses will be awarded based upon the disruption caused.

Prospects 

Following advice from the Concrete Advisory Group for Emergencies (CAGE) and research by the Building Materials Department at Imperial College London, the Government has been made aware that certain types of brick may have a condition colloquially known as ‘Bubbly Brick’. It is likely that opportunities may shortly arrive for Brick Marshals who will be required to identify, isolate and condemn residential properties so affected.

Note

These posts are temporary and will be terminated on the discovery of Ebola, Super Monkeypox, lethal bird flu or some other deadly virus. 

Your Government is committed to Crushing Crumbly Concrete to Build Back Better.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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