OUR man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton, the raffish, six-times-married, long-serving Member of Parliament who is Assistant Under Secretary at the Department for Transport, has sent his constituents a letter reminding them of his hard work on their behalf.
My Dear Friends
Firstly I wish to express my sincerest apologies for not getting in touch with you before now. The restrictions imposed by the government because of the Chinese bat flu have resulted in taxing times for myself and my devoted staff, as I’m sure it has for you all.
As you would expect, your representative in Whitehall has been hard at work keeping his nose to the grindstone to ensure the smooth passage of the ship of state through these turbulent waters.
For example, only last month it was necessary for myself and my hard-working secretary, Catherine, to undertake a perilous fact-finding assignment to South Africa to assess their response to the venomous variant that was stalking the land and rendering several people quite poorly in and around the vineyards of the Western Cape. Whilst there, we were supremely grateful for the hospitality afforded to us by my old friend Jan Van Koppenhol, and I highly recommend his Stellenbosch 2012 Pinot Noir for its restorative properties. On our return we reluctantly agreed to forgo the quarantine requirements to allow the medical wallahs to include us in their pilot scheme for persons of distinction.
I have also been busy advising the organisers of the November Festival for Eco Freaks in Glasgow about transport arrangements for the myriad doom cultists, lettuce munchers, climate harlots and subsidy-seeking bloodsuckers who will be in attendance: no doubt taking advantage of the aforementioned pilot scheme. The plan is to bus this rabble around in electric eco-buses. However, it transpires that the Scottish National Socialists, or whatever Sturgeon’s crowd are called, have spent the money that was allocated for a charging network on vastly expensive diesel ferry boats. Consequently, we have had to order a large number of diesel generators to power the rapidly installed vehicle charging points at the conference centre.
You may be aware of a kerfuffle involving the swivel eyed hyper-active former government adviser by the name of Cummings, and our Health Secretary with the vacant expression called Hancock. Mr Cummings alleges that BoJo used colourful language to describe Mr Hancock and that he thought the man to be ‘(something) hopeless’. Whilst it is clear that the poor man is out of his depth, has a hugely inflated opinion of himself and is in the grip of a ‘saviour complex’ that is causing the destruction of life and liberty, I must point out in his defence that he is not the only one who deserves the opprobrium of the PM. From what I have seen, the entire cast of Sage, especially Whitty and Mask-Mad Michie, should be subjected to prosecution.
The recent by-election in Chesham has once again brought to the attention of the public the absurdity of HS2. There is no doubt that, despite their rank hypocrisy on this matter, the continuance of this project allowed the Liberal Party candidate to be elected. I am privileged in my position at the Department of Transport to have seen documents that should give peace of mind to the electorate in that constituency. It is common knowledge that the line is a huge white elephant, and the £200billion or so to be spent on it will be money down the drain. However, I can confidentially reveal to you that talks are well under way to hand over the entire kit and caboodle to the Vintage Trains Trust who will operate the line at weekends and bank holidays with some restored GWR steam locomotives. Instead of electric powered monsters whirring past every half an hour and frightening the horses, those close to the line will be treated to the comforting whistle of a ‘Hall’ or ‘Castle’ trundling along to bring day trippers to the local olde worlde tea rooms, artisan bakeries and gift shops.
Finally, I am sure I have no need to remind you that next Saturday, Lady Veronica and I will be welcoming you to our annual Garden Party at Tittleham Hall. I am pleased to announce that once again the good folk from ‘The Drunken Ferret’ will be manning the beer tent, and this year they will be introducing their latest masterpiece, ‘Whitty’s Old Peculiar’, a pale ale with a long-lasting bitter finish. In addition to the usual stalls and entertainment, we have some exciting new challenges for you and your family. These include: guess the name of the next variant, pin the mask on Susan Michie, invent a humorous new personal pronoun, and guess the weight of Lord Pickles.
I remain your servant,
Sir Charles Chatterton MP