Monday, May 27, 2024
HomeNewsZombies and crocodiles – your guide to politicians’ smiles

Zombies and crocodiles – your guide to politicians’ smiles


Groundbreaking research by boffins at the universities of Aston, Arkansas, Texas Tech and Warwick has found that a politician’s smile can influence the outcome of an election. John Ellwood, who has vowed not to smile until the perpetrators of the covid and green scams are behind bars, elaborates on the types of smiles currently fashionable in the world of politics. 


Giving the impression that he is innocent despite being caught stuffing his face with cake from the hamper of another member of the Remove, the Bunter smile fits former PM, the buffoon Johnson, to perfection. There has been a furious debate amongst the academics as to whether to rename the Bunter as the Johnson. However, many are still incandescent about the role Johnson played in the EU referendum and do not want him remembered.


The most popular smile adopted by the political class is the Crocodile. It is an attempt to deceive you while the user plots something awful. Sunak, Hunt, Starmer, Putin, Netanyahu, Obama, Khan and many others employ this technique.


It is unclear whether the architect of the Holocaust ever smiled, but if he did it is very likely that it is the same as that used by ‘Midazolam’ Matt Hancock. It has been adopted by all the members of Sage.


The undead smile has been popularised by the soon-to-be-late President Biden. This smile is best combined with a thousand-yard stare whilst talking gibberish.

Clown (Not to be confused with the Bunter)

Expertly practised by Grant Shapps, this smile disguises the user’s inability to show the slightest competence. Other exponents include Nicola Sturgeon, Kamala Harris and Ursula von der Leyen.

Lottery Winner 

This smile is shown by those who cannot believe their luck that they have made a fortune despite being terrible politicians. Examples of such people include most Members of Parliament and those elected to the United States Congress.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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