Friday, November 27, 2020
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Oh! What a sudden shutdown

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IT was the must-see TV show of 2020. For a few mercurial months, Oh! What a Lovely Lockdown – officially known as the Government’s Daily Coronavirus Briefing – held the nation enthralled.

But now, with audience figures nosediving, performances tediously repetitive and its cast jaded and worn, the curtain has dramatically fallen on the pandemic-inspired production. 

On Tuesday, after another lacklustre presentation, it was announced that the show – which ran for 80 nights – was being axed with immediate effect.

Oh! What a Lovely Lockdown, a Johnson-Cummings production, was billed as a stirring saga of valiant British warriors leading the battle against the ruthless Germ hordes while gallantly guarding endangered civilians. 

From the start, though, critics panned it – one scathingly dismissing it as a story of ‘liars led by donkeys’.

But it did produce a catchy title song …

Oh! Oh! Oh! What a lovely lockdown,
Who wouldn’t be on furlough, eh?
It’s a shame to take 80 per cent pay.

Ordering takeaway pizza

Watching Bargain Hunt

This stay-at-home paid holiday

Is such a brilliant stunt

Thanks, Rishi! Good turn!
How shall we spend the money we don’t earn?

Oh, oh, oh, it’s a lovely lockdown!

Then there was the Dominic Cummings solo …

It’s a long way to County Durham

It’s a long way to go

It’s a long way to County Durham

When your eyesight ain’t just so

Goodbye, rules so silly 

Farewell Boris, sir

It’s a long, long way to County Durham

But I’m going, so there!

And we hummed along with this witty ditty about the comedy character known as the Bonking Boffin …

Professor Ferguson snuck away

To see his gal the other day

With a smile on his lips

And a few merry quips

About rolling in the hay

And as he stepped outside he said:

‘Lockdown is just for nerds’

Then he closed the door and went off to score

Shouting out these pathetic words:

‘Good-by-ee, good-by-ee

Half a million Brits are gonna die-ee

Tho’ it’s hard to believe I know,

My clever computer tells me so’

Although Oh! What a Lovely Lockdown is finished, Johnson and Cummings are said to already be collaborating on a ‘second spike’ sequel for the pantomime season, provisionally entitled Peter Pandemic.

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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